


An Angel Among People

by oswinpxnd



Category: Victoria (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dreams and Nightmares, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sleep Deprivation, Suicidal Thoughts, Victorian, bury your gays
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-05-23 12:43:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14934486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oswinpxnd/pseuds/oswinpxnd
Summary: It's been about a year after Drummond's death and Alfred is still finding it hard to cope without him. Yet he has been doing well trying to move on, Alfred has all the sudden have been getting nightmares that involve Drummond along with unexpected visits from what seems to be his spirit. How long can Alfred deal with this without the people around him noticing?





	1. The Unexpected Visitor

**Author's Note:**

> "I'm begging you to keep on haunting me." - Haunting by Halsey

Alfred walked out onto the balcony that was connected to the main hallway of the palace, He needed some fresh air and a quick cheroot to calm his nerves from the frustrated day he’s had. It was around two in the afternoon and the town of London beneath him was quieter than usual.  The air was cool.

 

He leaned against the railing of the balcony as he took out a cheroot and a box of matches. Cheroots and whiskey were basically the only things that kept him sane from the dullness of his work in the palace, He loved working for the Queen and the Queen herself was a dear friend to him but these days there was not much for him to look forward to. He was forcefully married to his friend Wilhelmina and her aunt kept nagging them to have children, “I want two of each, two nieces and two nephews” she would say to them. 

 

Children was the last thing Alfred wanted.

 

At this point, Alfred had wasted three matches as the slight wind kept blowing his fire out before he could light his cheroot, which only made him more frustrated every time he took another one out. He tried another but the breeze blew it out yet again. He flicked the burnt match off the balcony and took the cheroot out of his mouth.

“For god’s sake can’t anything go right anymore?”

He took a deep breath and decided to try one last match, hoping mother nature had heard his frustrations and would give him a chance. This time the match wouldn’t even light. He flicked it once, then twice and then a third time. Still, nothing.

 

“Having trouble?” said a voice behind him.

 

Alfred stopped and made a confused face.  He  _ knew  _ that voice, but the owner of that voice had been dead for almost a year now. 

 

He turned and saw Edward Drummond standing in the entryway of the balcony, leaning against the door-frame with his arms crossed and a calm yet concerned look on his face. 

 

Alfred’s heart skipped a beat and his blood ran cold, dropping the box of matches he had in his hand, as he stumbled back a step.

 

Drummond’s eyes moved down with the falling box of matches and back up at Alfred, he raised his eyebrows and leaked a small smile.

 

Alfred was frozen.  Not sure how to react, he blinked multiple times to see if he wasn’t hallucinating.

Drummond bent down, grabbed Alfred’s box of matches and handed the box back to him.

 

“I think you dropped this.”

 

Alfred looked down and took the box, still utterly distraught and confused,

 

“thank yo-“

 

He looked back up and saw that there was no one there. He was alone. Alfred walked back into the main corridor and still, no one. He looked back at the balcony and then down to his box of matches.

 

“ _ it’s been a very trying day _ .”

 

“ _ maybe I can help.”  _

 

Sadness clouded Alfred’s mind as old memories echoed his thoughts.

 

“ _ I never go anywhere without my tinderbox.”  _

 

Alfred’s thoughts were interrupted when he heard Wilhelmina call his name from across the hall, asking him if he’d like to do a duet with her on the piano. He smiled fakely in response

“I would be delighted to, darling.”

She smiled back as she walked into the sitting room where the palace piano was located. Alfred dropped his smile as she walked away and looked one last time at the balcony before he turned back and followed her.

 

-

 

Later that week, Alfred and Wilhelmina decided to go and have dinner at Ciro’s for once to let off the stress from the past couple of days. Both Alfred and Mina were enjoying themselves, laughing at how dramatic the Duchess of Buccleuch was on simple things — amongst other stuff — and enjoying a couple of glasses of champagne. 

 

“How long do you think she will nag us about children before she realizes it’s not going to happen?” Alfred said taking yet another sip from his glass.

 

Wilhelmina chuckled, “God knows!... But if she does become that desperate we could always take in an orphan.”

Alfred sighed, he didn’t really want any children at all, but he knew Wilhelmina probably wanted one of sorts. Adoption would be easier for him when it came to be getting the child, but the paperwork and the rest of it sounded like a lot. 

 

Alfred figured he’d have to think on it.

 

“I guess that is a possibility, but that shouldn’t be discussed now while we are having a stress-free dinner now should it?” Alfred lifted his half-empty champagne glass as the corners of his lips perked up. 

Wilhelmina grinned back and lifted her glass as well,

 

“No, it shall not.”

 

They both drank some more champagne while simply enjoying each other’s company and their dinner.

After a while Wilhelmina noticed the restaurant started to get a bit stuffy, and wearing a tight corset was making the air around her harder to breathe. 

 

“Excuse me Alfred, I need to catch a breath of fresh air. It’s gotten quite humid in here.” 

 

Mina stood up from their table as Alfred nodded. He had just realized it has gotten a bit hot inside Ciro’s too. 

Wilhelmina left, leaving Alfred alone with his thoughts at their table. He started fiddling with the small vase of flowers in front of him, noticing Ciro’s hadn’t really changed the type or color of flowers for their table pieces since he’s last been there.

 

Alfred heard a distant laugh from a table beside his own and looked in that direction out of instinct.

 

At the table he saw himself smiling widely, eyes filled with pure happiness. He then gazed over to the other side of the table and saw Drummond, laughing with the biggest grin on his face. 

 

He was  _ living _ .

 

The whole restaurant seemed to slow down around him when he looked at Drummond, hearing only his echoed laughs. Alfred realized he was looking at the table he dined with Drummond when they talked for the last time. 

 

If only he had known it would be the last time he’d hear Drummond’s voice. Or his laugh.

 

Alfred kept staring at the living memory of him, realizing how beautiful Drummond really looked in Ciro’s candle light.

 

Drummond then looked back at him, his laughter fading immediately, along with his grin but he didn’t look angry. They held each other’s glances for a while, and then Drummond made a small sad smile to Alfred.

 

A waiter walked past Alfred’s table blocking his view from Drummond for a mere second. When the waiter had passed, the image of Drummond and himself was gone.  

 

The table was empty, waiting for it’s next customers. The sounds around him didn’t come back into Alfred’s hearing though until Wilhelmina arrived back at her seat. 

 

Immediately, Mina could notice a change in Alfred’s face. She asked him if everything was alright. He hesitated before he gave her an answer.

 

“I feel like it’s time...”

 

“Time for what?” Mina asked, all the possible situations that Alfred could be talking about popped into her head, making her anxious.

 

Alfred inhaled, hesitating again,

“I… I think it’s time to visit Edward’s grave.”

 

Wilhelmina blinked at him. She was stunned because out of all things she thought it would be, that was at the bottom of her list.

“Alfred are you sure? You said-“

 

“I know but I do feel like it is time and I would like to do so.” 

He was looking at his glass, avoiding direct eye contact with Mina. She nodded slowly and figured Alfred was too determined to decide otherwise.

 

“I guess we can go tomorrow morning then, before your meeting with Her Majesty and the Prime Minister.”

 

Alfred nodded,

“Thank you, Wilhelmina. I mean it.”

 

She smiled at him, 

“I know you do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE THANKS TO LUCKYMOONY FOR PROOF-READING THIS CHAPTER!! <3
> 
> Thank you to all of you as well for deciding to read this story!!  
> All Comments and kudos appreciated <3


	2. The One Sentenced Answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred and Wilhelmina visit Drummond's grave for the first time since his funeral.  
> Alfred leaves a letter upon his grave and he later finds it back on his desk...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I haven't seen your face or heard your voice in so long" - Forever//over by EDEN
> 
>  
> 
> QUICK HISTORY LESSON!
> 
> In the victorian era, flowers had a lot of meaning behind them to the point where the way you gave them to someone even meant something specific, so here's all the meanings behind all the flowers I mention in this chapter to explain why I chose such an odd bunch lol;
> 
> red carnations - "My Heart Aches"  
> pink carnations - "I'll Never Forget You"  
> heliotropes - Eternal Love  
> dark crimson roses - Mourning
> 
>  
> 
> ALSO !!! It was very known how much Lord John Russel irritated Queen Victoria a crap ton in his time as prime minster, they would barely do meetings with one another and Victoria would either have Albert or someone like Alfred with her during those meetings. Even though he was intelligent and had good intents, he was known for being selfish, impulsive, reckless among other things, he was the last Prime Minister of the Whig Party and he was the reason why the party 'fell'.  
> For what I could research there was nothing said about if he had a private secretary or not (I'm not british so i could be totally wrong and all prime ministers automatically have one) but if i'm wrong just totally ignore it because its going to be a small point in this fic!!!!

 

Alfred put on his black coat and adjusted the upper part of his right sleeve where he still wore the mourning band around his arm, his way of always secretly honoring Drummond without anyone questioning. He has thought about not wearing it but his guilt would always win the dilemma, but he hasn’t worn this much black in awhile.

 

It seems like everyone around him — with the exception of Wilhelmina — has totally forgotten about Drummond’s existence, no small mention or even a wonder of how his fiancé, Florence, was doing. Alfred would later find out by Mina that she was happily engaged again.

 

_“Good for her”_ Alfred thought, at least she was able to move on.

 

He couldn’t help but despise Florence, even though it wasn’t her fault she and Drummond engaged nor did she have a clue of her fiancé’s feelings for Alfred but he was jealous and envious.

He was jealous that she was able to express her mourning publicly or even express her affection for Drummond publicly when he was alive and he on the other hand, could not. Or even with the fact that she could happily move on so quickly.

How could someone move on and love someone else when their past lover has only been killed not long ago?

That enraged him.

So, every mention of Florence’s name sparked a small fire of annoyance in the back of Alfred’s mind and he would always have to restrain himself from looking tense.

 

 

Alfred looked at himself in the mirror and sighed heavily. He dreaded this day but he knew the more he procrastinated it, the worse he would feel.

On the positive note, it was a nice day outside. No rain or hot beating sun, it was overcast and cool enough where it wasn’t dreadful.

 

Alfred glanced over at the sealed letter on his desk with the name “Edward” written neatly on the front of it. The night before, Alfred decided to write a letter for Drummond to put on his grave. Even though he knew he would never read it, he wanted to do it. He was up almost all night writing it, making sure he said everything perfectly and he didn’t make any mistakes along with ‘accidentally’ drinking 3 glasses of whiskey in the meantime. He was quite pleased with the finished result;

 

“ _Edward,_

_It’s been about a year since we’ve last talked and I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for calling what we had an indiscretion, I in no means meant that and I regret saying it every single minute of my day. I’m sorry for not visiting you sooner, it’s just that this is too painful for me and I just couldn’t bring myself to come. I’m sorry for marrying Wilhelmina, it’s kind of ironic that i’m in your shoes now where you were when you were alive. Trust me when I say I did not want to but I had to._

_Please forgive me. I hope you did not die and your last thoughts of me were negative and anger-induced._

_Just know I have not forgotten nor moved on. I never will. You are seared into my heart Edward and I miss and love you more than what my soul can bare._

_Farewells, love._

 

_Yours,_

_Alfred”_

 

 

Alfred grabbed the letter and slipped it in his inner coat pocket. He looked at the clock in his room and saw that it was time to go. _  
_

_-_

When Alfred and Wilhelmina’s carriage arrived at the cemetery, Alfred’s chest tightened and his heart began to race. He started to think going there was a bad idea after all but it was too late to change his mind.

It felt like he had just been there for Drummond’s funeral.

 

Alfred stepped out of his carriage with a small bouquet of flowers, including pink and red carnations, crimson roses and Heliotropes. An odd bunch but he had two of each flowers wrapped in a bundle to set on Edward’s grave.

 

Wilhelmina decided to stay in the carriage, she knew this was a time kept for Alfred to be alone.

 

Alfred kept walking to where Drummond’s grave was located and with every step he took, his heart sank lower and lower into his chest until he saw it.

 

The words;

“ _Edward Charles Drummond_ ”

engraved in a stone plaque stood in-front of him.

Alfred inhaled sharply and bit the inside of his lower lip to help himself from breaking down into tears.

 

“Good morning, Edward.” he managed to choked out, feeling his breaths getting shakier.

 

“I have a letter for you to read.”

 

Alfred took the letter out of his coat pocket and stood it up against the gravestone, along with the flowers he so carefully placed to make sure they weren’t covering up his name.

 

He knelt there for awhile in silence, not knowing what else to say. Alfred’s mind was an empty space, he was just staring at the stone words that read out his lover’s name. His heart was numb and his cheeks were now wet because he couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. He managed to reach out and feel the wording of Drummond’s name, it was cold and felt forgotten which made Alfred’s heart feel even heavier.

 

Alfred took a quick look at his pocket watch and saw it was about time to go back. He desperately didn’t want to leave but he knew he had to.

He never wanted to leave him.

 

“I fear it is my time to go back to the palace. I have a meeting with Her Majesty and the new Prime Minister, she requests me to be with her during those meetings because she finds Lord John Russel agonizing to deal with alone.” he laughed, wiping a tear off his cheek. Alfred looked down at his hands and back at Drummond’s grave.

 

“You wouldn’t have liked him either love, he’s apart of the Whigs!” Alfred chucked again, fading into a shaking sigh.

Alfred could imagine the annoyance Drummond would’ve had and how he would’ve ranted on about politics that Alfred secretly didn’t care much about but enjoyed hearing him speak his mind anyway, Drummond could talk about anything and it would immediately become interesting to Alfred.

 

He leaned over and kissed the top of the gravestone, whispering his goodbyes and that he hopes that Edward likes the flowers.

He stood up, took one last look at Drummond’s grave and starts heading back to his carriage where Wilhelmina is still calmly waiting for him.

 

Behind Alfred a figure was leaning against a tree, he didn’t notice it nor did Wilhelmina but it watched Alfred get back into his carriage.

The figure as anyone could’ve guessed was Drummond, only to have appeared when Alfred said his goodbyes. He didn’t try to get his attention nor did he move from where he was standing but he could feel Alfred’s grief. Drummond disappeared after Alfred’s carriage set off back to the palace, the letter sitting against Drummond’s grave mysteriously going with him.

 

 

In the carriage, Alfred and Mina didn’t say a word to one another, Alfred only looked out the window and sniffled every few minutes.

Wilhelmina softly grabbed Alfred’s hand and squeezed it as showing him a sign of sympathy.

He found a small amount of comfort in the softness of her silk gloves and kept watching the fields and trees go by him as they ride back. He would need to try to build back up his mood a bit before he met with the queen.

 

 

-

 

 

Later that evening after yet another day of boring drama and annoying politics, Alfred is back in his bed-chambers getting ready to sleep for the night and Wilhelmina is reading a novel out in the hall.

Alfred looks out his bedroom window and drinks the rest of the glass of whiskey he has in his hand in one gulp.

He was thinking about the meeting with The Queen and Lord John Russel he was in earlier, the tension between the two was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

After the Prime Minister left, Queen Victoria ranted on about how ridiculous he was being and how his planning was all in a mess.

 

“Maybe if he would only encourage himself to get a private secretary, things would go a-lot smoother. That seemed to have worked for Sir Robert Peel, and I’m sure it wouldn’t be so much of a problem for him to acquaint one if he would just listen!” Victoria stressed, walking around her office space and collecting papers from her desk.

 

“I agree ma’am, Sir Robert Peel did very well with his private secretary and I’m sure John could do just as good with one.” Alfred said looking out the window beside him, the small subtle mention of Drummond hit him harder than it probably should’ve.

 

Victoria smiled, she was happy Alfred agreed with her. Not many people did.

She was saddened that Peel resigned from being Prime Minister but his reasons for doing so were great, after his private secretary was killed in an attempt to save his life along with other things, Victoria had no reason to think he was wrong for resigning.

 

She made it a point to Alfred that she would mention about the idea whenever she could.

 

 

When Alfred puts his empty glass down on his desk beside him after revising this conversation, he notices a familiar letter laying neatly beside it.

It appeared to be opened and had an extra smaller note attached with it but it was the letter Alfred wrote and earlier left at Drummond’s grave.

Alfred furrowed his brows in confusion and picked it up slowly. He lifted up the extra little note that he doesn’t remember adding to it and reads what’s inside.

 

 

“ _It’s okay, I love you too_. _  
_

_~ E. D.”_

_“E. D?”_ Alfred thought, who was E. D and how did they manage to get this letter?

Then it hit him. Alfred’s stomach dropped and his face went pale.

 

_“E. D. stands for Edward Drummond”_

It made sense but how? He realized it was his handwriting and everything.

He then remembered the weird recurrence that happened earlier that week when he was on the balcony, Alfred just figured he was imagining things due to lack of sleep but now he thinks that might have something to do with this.

 

Alfred’s thoughts were interrupted by Mina who came in and put the book she was reading back on a bookshelf, she asked him what he was reading.

 

“Oh uhm..-“ Alfred closed the letter back up and slipped it into one of his desk drawers, “-just a letter from my mother, she was just catching me up on all the things that are happening at home.”

 

Mina smiled, “That’s very sweet of her! I hope everything is alright?”

 

Alfred smiled back, “Yes, she went on about how my father almost let two of their horses loose. But yes everything is quite alright.”

 

Wilhelmina chuckled, she offered her wishes to the Pagets and then excused herself to get ready for bed, Alfred dropped his smile immediately when she leaves. He was glad he could think up fake situations easily, unlike most of his brothers, he was a good liar.

He sighed and looked down at the drawer where he hid the letter, the more he thought about it the more he stressed about it. Maybe he can pull in another glass of whiskey before bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the kudos and comments are appreciated!! <3 Thank you for continuing to read:)


	3. A Dream Not Worth Living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred has a terrible nightmare followed by a familiar visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Sleeping in the clothes you love, It's such a shame we had to see them burn..."  
> \- Good Grief by Bastille
> 
> (PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS WHOLE SONG, EVERY LYRIC IN IT FITS ALFRED'S MOURNING PERFECTLY!!!)

 

 

 

 

Alfred fell asleep quite quickly that night, the whiskey he drank earlier surprisingly made him tired.

He and Wilhelmina slept facing away from each other, giving enough space for each other to sleep comfortably.

 

Wilhelmina dreamt of herself becoming queen out of urgent consequences and being able to put on the crown that she secretly always wanted to try on. She made sure that the poor was given enough food and that everyone could be with whom ever they chose. She also made sure women had more jobs to work for that paid well. 

Even though being queen was definitely stressful, those dreams were definitely Mina's favorite.

 

Alfred dreamt of you-know-who frequently.

When Edward was alive it was of sweet things, like sunset picnics or them walking through sunny trails talking about whatever crossed their minds.

But when Edward died, Alfred started having nightmares.

His guilt suffocating him and his anxiety reminding him the last time they talked he called what they had an ‘indiscretion’.

Once in awhile he’d still have sweet dreams too, but he didn’t know which made him feel more empty when he woke up.

Although recently Alfred hasn’t been able to remember what he’s dreamt the previous night, which he doesn’t take for granted.

 

 

Alfred closed his eyes and the faint chatter that can be heard outside fades from Alfred’s consciousness.

Laughter faded in and Alfred finds himself laying on his side in his bed, facing the opposite side where Drummond was laying and giggling about something they had just said.

They both were tucked in under the sheets, wearing their night shirts unbuttoned a 3rd of a way down with trousers and laying on their sides facing each other. They were drinking whiskey in Alfred’s candle-lited room with the moon shinning through the window.

 

“How did your father manage to accidentally let his horses loose ALONG with the geese?! Arn’t they held in two different areas of farms?” Drummond asked, taking a sip from his whiskey.

 

Alfred laughed, “I have no idea but let me just say my mother was furious and forced him to stay out that entire night just to get them all back.”

 

“Your family is very wild Alfred, much more interesting than mine.”

they both smile at one another and Drummond took a sip from his glass and realizes it’s empty.

He looks at his glass then back at Alfred who raises his eyebrows at the situation.

 

“Looks like I need a refill.” Drummond says and starts climbing out from under the pounds of sheets and blankets he’s under.

He walks over to Alfred’s desk where the bottle of whiskey was sitting and opens it to refill his glass.

Alfred watches him and drinks the rest of the alcohol in his cup in one swing. He rolls over to face his bedside table and puts his glass down.

Alfred notices the moon outside and grabs his pocket watch from the side table, he opens it to see it show ‘ _2:14am ’_.

It didn’t seem that late to him, he and Drummond were so busy actually having time alone that time kind of got the best of them.

 

Alfred didn’t notice the sudden uneasy silence in the room until he heard Drummond put the bottle of whiskey back on the table. It didn’t bother him too much, he was still looking at his pocket watch.

 

“Alfred?” Drummond said yet again breaking the silence.

 

“Yes darling?” Alfred replied, not paying full attention to him and put his pocket watch in a drawer of his bedside table.

 

“Something’s wrong.”

Drummond’s voice was slow and confused.

Alfred furrowed his brows and looked back up to where Drummond was standing.

 

“What’s wro-“ Alfred’s heart dropped.

He saw Drummond slowly turn around with a big blotch of blood on his upper right chest that wasn’t there before. The blood was from a gaping wound from under his shirt and it was seeping through the thin white fabric. Drummond had his hands below it and was looking at it, he seemed to have touched it because his fingertips were red and soaked.

 

“No.” Alfred whispered, Drummond looked up at him and the look on his face scarred Alfred’s heart. He looked confused, shocked and petrified.

 

“Alfred I-... how?”

“Drummond, don’t move please.” Alfred started to scramble from under his sheets and blankets. He managed to get his foot somehow caught on a blanket causing him to fall when he tried to get out of bed. Alfred grunted in frustration and panic, untangling his foot from the ball of blankets. 

His hands were shaking and his eyes were racing, adding more difficulty to getting his foot untangled, which seemed to never get undone. When he finally got unraveled, he began to stand up but noticed Drummond was no longer standing and terrified but was instead laying on the floor already dead in a small puddle of blood.

 

“NO!” Alfred screamed.

How could all of this happen so quickly?

" _those damned blankets!_ " he thought.

 

Alfred crawled over to Drummond, he didn’t know what to do but cry and scream. The pain of heartbreak in his chest was unbearable and screaming his lungs out seemed to be the only thing that numbed it.

So that’s what he did.

Drummond’s face was pale and his eyes no longer had any warmth in them. The site of him like this traumatized Alfred but he couldn't pull himself away from him.

He couldn't just leave him, and he can't call for medical help because he would be suspected for Drummond's murder. People would also question why Drummond was even in his bedchambers at 2 in the morning anyway.

Alfred just put his face in his stained hands and sobbed.

 

 

“ _I found the death of Patroclus most affecting._ ”

 

 

Alfred woke up and gasped for air, he was sweating profusely and his heart was racing.

He looked around his room in panic, looking at the floor in front of his desk immediately and finding nothing there but the rug his mother bought him years ago.

The sun was shining through his windows, helping him separate what happened in his dream to what is reality.

 

Alfred looked at the empty spot in his bed beside him, he remembered Wilhelmina has gotten up early to have breakfast with a few of her friends but it reminded him of the living hell he’d just woke up from.

Images of Drummond giggling in his bed and then him on the floor dead flickered in Alfred's mind, hearing echos of his laughs.

He sighed and rubbed his eyes, finally calming down.

 

Alfred didn’t have anything going on until later that evening so he figured having a couple glasses of whiskey and a cheroot wouldn’t hurt any.

He didn’t even bother changing out of his sleeping clothes and went straight to his desk where the bottle of alcohol and box of cheroots were located.

 

After maybe 30 minutes of staring at a small doodle he drew of Drummond on a piece of paper, Alfred looked at the floor beside him.

He wondered if he should tell Mina about this nightmare he had or keep it to himself, he’s told her about previous ones but he has never had any that were purely traumatizing like this one before and thought it might worry her about his mental state.

Which was the last thing he needed because that worry would spread and rumors would be created then sooner or later he would be labeled as insane.

So Alfred thought he should keep this one with himself.

 

Alfred heard a bump from the hallway, thinking it could be Wilhelmina back from breakfast he didn’t say anything.

But it was only 10:04am, she shouldn’t be back this soon.

Alfred heard another thump from now what sounds like right infront of his door.

 

“Mina is that you?” Alfred rubbed his eyes, his mind could just be tricking him from lack of sleep.

 

“No, sorry.”

 

Alfred snapped his head up from his hands and saw Drummond leaning against his book shelf with his eyes infatuated in a book he was holding.

He wasn't wearing an overcoat, but the rest of Drummond's outfit looked pretty normal. He was wearing a white undershirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows and a maroon pattered vest on, along with normal black pants.

 

“Jesus christ, am i still dreaming?!” Alfred blinked and just stared at Drummond who admittedly looked very beautiful while reading.

 

Drummond looked up and closed whatever book he was reading and slid it back in the shelf.

 

“ _Still_  dreaming? I'm afraid not but from that question I figure you had a dream about me which is very flattering.” Drummond said smiling.

 

Alfred looked at his glass of whiskey and breathed in his cheroot, “Maybe I am going mad.” he mumbled.

 

Drummond chuckled, “Alfred you’re not insane, it’s alright.”

 

Alfred shook his head in disbelief

 

“Then how are you here? and how did I see you on the balcony earlier this week?-"

 Drummond shifted his stance, knowing this probably wasn't going to be easy.

 "-Can you explain how the letter I left on your GRAVE ended up back on my desk yesterday?” Alfred asked, making eye contact with Drummond, who’s smile is now gone, but then looked somewhere behind him because Drummond’s eyes reminded him too much of his nightmare.

 

Drummond didn’t respond, not really knowing what to say.

 

“Are you still dead?” Alfred said quietly, staring back at the doodle on his paper.

 

Drummond looked down at his feet, hesitating to answer that question as well.

 “Yes. I am...” he replied softly.

 

“Then how in the hell are you leaning against my bookcase?”

 

Drummond immediately stopped leaning against the shelf, feeling self aware and sighed.

 

“I..I don’t know.”

 Alfred nodded and fiddled with the empty glass in-front of him.

 

Silence pasted and Drummond watched Alfred play around with the glass cup on his desk, tracing his middle finger slowly around the rim.

 

“You died in my dream.” Alfred finally said, breaking the quietness.

 

Drummond, who got used to the silence, zoned out to Alfred’s hand and didn’t quite hear what he said.

 

“Sorry?”

 

“Earlier you said you were flattered that I dreamt about you..” Alfred hesitated as he remembered Drummond bled out on the floor.

 “You died in it and I personally do not want to describe to you the details but it wasn't something you'd probably be flattered by.”

 

Drummond could feel Alfred’s guilt like he was carrying a pile of bricks on his chest, he wanted to hug him badly but it wasn’t a good time.

  

“I’m sorry. I-“ Drummond was interrupted by a feminine laugh from outside Alfred’s bedroom.

They both looked at the door and looked back at each other, Drummond furrowed his eyebrows in question but Alfred could recognize it was Wilhelmina’s laugh and sighed.

 

A muffled “Alfred?” came from outside his door.

 

“Alfred are you awake?”

 

Alfred shot up from his chair as Wilhelmina opened his door.

Drummond looked back at the door but vanished completely when Wilhelmina entered in the room.

 

Wilhelmina came in the room smiling, she obviously had a great time at breakfast with her friends. She looked at Alfred and then at his desk, her smile fading when she sees the open bottle of whiskey and burning cheroot.

 

“Is that whiskey? Its 11 in the morning dear, are you alright?” She questioned.

Alfred quickly closed the bottle and shook his head carelessly.

 

“It’s nothing, I woke up having a headache and thought a small glass might help.” He laughed nervously, consciously noticing Drummond was no longer in the room.

Wilhelmina could smell the alcohol and smoke but decided not to question him all morning.

 

She smiled and then headed for her dressing room, saying she will tell Alfred all about what had happened at breakfast when she’s finished changing out of her outdoor-morning clothes.

 

Alfred slumped back in his chair when Wilhelmina left the room, picking up another cheroot to light and distract him from the drama he was about to be told.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for including graphic angst in this chapter!! It was hard for me to even write it. Just a warning though that this story will have A LOT of angst included, but don't worry there will be some happy times. :)
> 
> But I hope you still liked this (shorter) chapter and all the comments and/or kudos appreciated! <3


	4. The Stained Tinderbox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred and Wilhelmina bump into Florence while on a quick shopping trip, and Wilhelmina gives Alfred a gift she reserved from Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “If I could see your face once more, I could die a happy man I’m sure.” -All I Want by Kodaline 
> 
> I didn't do my research on how weddings were planned back in the 19th century so the way it's talked about in this chapter probably isn't accurate.

It’s been about a week since Alfred had the horrible nightmare, since then he hasn’t been able to remember what he’s dreamt about but at least he was sleeping peacefully.

He’s seen Drummond here and there in corridors and even behind him in the mirror but hasn’t had an actual conversation with ‘him’ since that one morning either. There were times when Alfred, the queen and her ladies in waiting would be walking down the main hallway and he would see Drummond standing alone on the balcony, staring out into the city below. The light around him would always blur the outline of his figure but Alfred could tell it was him.

It was always him.

Sometimes Wilhelmina would catch Alfred starring sadly onto the balcony when they were walking but when she looked at the balcony, there was nothing there so what could he possibly be looking at? She knew he wasn’t zoning out either because when Alfred zones out, he looks at the ground.

Maybe she will bring it up to him at some point.

 

 

Alfred and Wilhelmina were out in downtown London for a little shopping trip.

Wilhelmina figured her wardrobe needed some more color when it came to accessories and she knew Alfred was a pro at color coordinating so she asked him to tag along. He figured a little bit of fresh air wouldn’t be bad for him so he agreed.

 

“Are you sure emeralds don’t go good with pink? My aunt always told me they were a good combination.”

 

“and when was the last time your aunt has given you good advice?”

 

Alfred and Wilhelmina starred at each other as Wilhelmina tried to think of a time her aunt has given her good advice.

Alfred slowly started to smirk when she didn’t give him an answer.

 

Mina nudged him in the arm softly, “Oh shush.”

They both giggle as Wilhelmina puts down the emerald necklace she was holding.

 

They both separate to different parts of the clothing store, Mina was looking at some adorable bonnets with lace sewn to the crown of them while Alfred looked at some fancy pocket watches.

 

Alfred could hear someone walk into the store but didn’t bother to turn around until the someone said his name.

 

“Alfred! It’s been awhile since we’ve last met!”

 

Alfred turned around and saw Florence smiling happily at him. His stomach twisted into a knot but he pulled up the most genuine smile he could make.

 

“Good Evening ma’am! It has been quite awhile..”

 

The last time they saw each other was at Drummond’s funeral. Alfred could tell Florence was trying to ignore that fact.

 

“I hope you and Wilhelmina are doing well?” Florence asked, Alfred looked over to where Wilhelmina was browsing at gloves and nodded.

 

“Yes quite well, and I’ve heard you are engaged again!-“ Alfred swallowed the lump in his throat that was slowly appearing,

“- May I offer you my congratulations.”

 

Both Alfred and Florence smiled, along with Florence’s cheeks turning a soft red. She thanked Alfred and started to talk a little bit about her new fiancé, Martin, who was a Mathematician.

After awhile Florence could tell Alfred didn’t really care much about what she was talking about and rambled her sentence into silence.

She knew she’d have to bring up Edward somehow, it was nagging them both.

She remembered that she made a hair locket for Wilhelmina back around Christmas and gave her a couple things of Edward’s for Alfred as a gift and was told that Mina ended up giving the locket to Alfred as well since she knew they were very close friends and he’d probably want it more than she would.

 

“Did you like the locket I made back in December? Wilhelmina told she gave it to you with the other gifts.” Florence hesitated before saying anything but she wanted to get the nagging feeling out from the back of her mind.

 

Alfred had to think for a second but realized Florence was talking about the hair locket. He nodded and smiled softly, but then stopped.

 

“I did, but.. other gifts? I was only given the locket.” Alfred said. Florence looked at him confused, she remembered specifically handing Wilhelmina a couple of Edward’s things saying they were a Christmas gift from her to Alfred.

 

“But I gave Wilhelmina a-“

 

“Oh, hello Florence! I’m glad to see you!” Wilhelmina emerged from behind Alfred interrupting what Florence was saying, they both smile and do the usual talk people do when meeting someone they know in public.

Florence looked back at Alfred and forgot what she was originally saying to him before Wilhelmina showed up.

 

“Anyway... You two should come to my fiancé and I’s wedding! It’s at the end of next month in Scotland! We are about to send out the invitations but I can add you two to the guest list if you’re not busy that week?”

 

Wilhelmina and Alfred looked at one another, Alfred was screaming in his head; “ _please for the love of god Mina say NO!_ ”. But Mina was too kind to decline such a big offer, mentally apologizing to Alfred.

 

“I don’t see why not! As long as it’s okay with Her Majesty, we will be coming!” Wilhelmina and Florence smiled big, Alfred smiled too and clenched his teeth in the process.

 

Wilhelmina mentioned it was probably her and Alfred’s time to head back to the palace even though they’ve bought absolutely nothing, she knew Alfred wanted to stop talking to Florence immediately.

They said their goodbyes and the couple headed out of the shop with their arms linked, Alfred walked fast when he was tense so clinging to his side was necessary with keeping up with him.

 

Later that evening they got the allowance from the queen to go to Florence’s wedding, saying to send her the palace’s blessings and congratulations.

Alfred found the whole situation a bit humorous to be truthful, how everyone just moves on like Drummond never even existed in the first place. How could everyone, including his own fiance, could move on in the snap of a finger without any trouble?

It made Alfred shake his head.

 

-

 

That night when Wilhelmina and Alfred were about to get ready for bed, Alfred was thinking about his conversation with Florence.

“ _What other gifts_?” he thought. Was there other things that weren’t given to him?

Mina was rambling on about some random drama and almost left to her dressing room when he asked her about it.

 

“Wilhelmina uhm..” Alfred’s calling stopped Mina’s tracks from leaving the room.

 

“Yes Alfred?” she replied,

 

“Earlier today in the shop... Florence and I were talking before you came up and greeted her.. She mentioned the hair locket.-“

Wilhelmina inhaled deeply and slowly walked back into their bedroom, she knew where this was going.

“She also mentioned other gifts which confused me because, I was only given the locket.” Alfred turned from his spot at the window and looked at Wilhelmina who was suspiciously looking down and fiddling with a ring on her finger.

 

“Do you happen know what she was talking about when she said that?”

 

Wilhelmina didn’t answer the question but she walked over to her bedside table and grabbed a small wrapped box from the drawer with a note on it.

She slowly walked back over to Alfred and handed it to him.

 

“I was going to wait and give it to you when you maybe felt better but I guess I should’ve just given it to you on Christmas as well..”

 

Alfred slowly took the wrapped box and gave Wilhelmina a curious look before she rushed into her dressing room.

Alfred walked over to his desk, reading the little note attached to the string of the wrap.

 

“ _In memory of those awful cheroots, you will have more use to this than I ever will._

_Merry Christmas_

_xx ~Florence_ ”

Alfred exhaled deeply, he untied the string and took off the wrap.

 

Florence had given him Edward’s tinderbox.

 

Alfred’s heart sank, his mind turning hollow as he looks at the box.

The hinges were rusting from being unused and the inside was dusty.

So many memories were held in this box.

 

Alfred saw a few strange stains on the outer wood of the box, and knowing how tidy and clean Drummond was, it made him think.

 

“ _oh god._ ” he thought _,_ Drummond carried it everywhere he went in his inner coat pocket.

Alfred’s eyes widened as he started to realize what the small stains could possibly be.

Drummond had the box in his coat pocket when he died.

Alfred slowly put the tinderbox on his desk and starred at it.

 

“ _Let it be anything but his blood.”_ he wished, now feeling the need to clean his hands 5 times to stop himself from having a mental break down.

 

Alfred decided to, carefully, put the tinderbox on his bedside table for now.

Another thing that bugged Alfred’s mind was why Wilhelmina hid it from him. He understood that he felt absolutely awful then but nothing has really changed so what would be the difference?

No matter how much time has past, being given that box would’ve saddened his heart even more than it already was.

For a year the only constant thought Alfred had was  _him._ Constantly wearing the black armband that he now has gotten use to putting on.

Drawing secret doodles and portraits of Drummond with little notes written below them saying things like,

“ _please come back”_

_“I miss you dearly”_

 

Standing out on the balcony that no one else seems to go out on, to finally get some peace and quiet to only find it lonely and cold.

Having the bottle of whiskey on his desk be his best friend when he can’t cry and building the highest alcohol tolerance known to man.

His life had been taken over by the constant reminder that the only person he truly loved was gone.

Forever.

 

Alfred sat at his desk and had gotten out the locket from a desk drawer. He was looking at the casing and kept reading the quote inside.

 

Alfred didn’t notice but Drummond was watching him from behind. He was leaning against a bed post with his arms crossed, watching Alfred fondle with the locket.

Drummond concentrated his eyes on the strands of his hair weaved in the locket, he reached his hand up to his head and felt quite offended that someone cut some of his hair off without permission. Worrying his hair was uneven somewhere, he ran his hand through it to somewhat hide a possible ‘bald spot’.

 

After he was done worrying about the way his hair looked, Drummond went back to leaning against the bedpost and managed to get Alfred’s attention.

 

“I know you saw Florence today.”

 

Alfred jumped at his voice, looking shocked to see Drummond watching him and put the locket back in his drawer. He still questioned whether he was imagining seeing Drummond or not.

 

“I did... did you know she’s engaged again?”

 

Drummond cocked his head to the side a bit, as he did when something agitated him.

 

“No, but I have to say i’m not surprised.”

 

Alfred chuckled, “me either.”

he layed the side of his head on top of his hands, and looked at the candle on his desk.

 

“She gave me your tinderbox.” Alfred perked a small smile.

 

“She did? I’m shocked to know she had it in the first place, I had it on me when I-.....” Drummond stopped his sentence, not wanting to say the last word but Alfred knew it and looked back at him.

 

“yeah...” Alfred said softly,

“It’s over there by the bed if you want to see it.”

 

Drummond looked over and saw his tinderbox sitting on Alfred’s side table. He walked over to it and picked it up, cringing when he saw the small stains.

Drummond opened it and decided to test if he could still light it.

 

“Have you ever tried lighting it Alfred?” Drummond asked, he flicks the tinder once and only a small spark appears.

 

“Come on, I can still do it can’t I?” he mumbled.

 

“No I haven’t, I’ve only just opened it. Wilhelmina had been hiding it from me since Christmas in fear of triggering my emotions even more.” Alfred replied, chuckling a bit.

 

Drummond, who is very concentrated, flicks the tinder again and still only a small spark appears but his third try the tinderbox lights up a flame. Drummond smiles wide and cheers.

 

Alfred looks back to see Drummond congratulate himself on lighting the tinderbox which admittedly was holding a strong flame.

They make eye contact and Drummond slowly closes the tinderbox which got rid of the fire.

 

“Sorry, I was too tempted not to try.” Drummond said, putting the box back down and smirking.

Alfred smiled too, but it faded when he looked back at the candle on his desk.

Seeing Drummond so happy to get the tinderbox to light reminded his heart on how much he missed that. How much he missed seeing his smile, or hearing his laugh or seeing him just live.

 

Drummond walked up to him and sat on the edge of his desk, feeling heaviness in Alfred’s heart.

 

“Whats wrong?” he asked softly, hoping he could sympathize Alfred.

 

Alfred sighed, “I just wish you were still here, that’s all..”

 

“But I am here.”

 

Alfred rubbed his eyes and sighed again, “No, I mean REALLY here. Yes you’re here somehow I still don’t know but you aren’t  _here_ , and you never will be.”

 

Drummond looked down at the floor, he knew Alfred was right.

 

“I can’t hug you, or invite you to things, or write proper letters to you, or go to dinner with you again or... or...”

 

“Or what?”

 

“.... or kiss you.” Alfred said, making direct eye contact with Drummond. They both smirk and slip out a couple giggles, remembering that one beautiful evening in Scotland.

 

“Those were the days.” whispered Alfred as his smile fades into a sorrowful one.

 

Drummond sadly nods, “Those were the days.”

 

“Alfred? Are you talking to someone?” Wilhelmina said from her dressing room, Alfred inhales agitatedly while Drummond tries his best not to smile.

 

“No dear, just to myself that’s all.” Alfred replied back to her, Drummond raising his eyebrows at him.

 

“Yourself? Should I take that offensively?” Drummond whispered jokingly, Alfred rolled his eyes and got up from his desk.

 

Wilhelmina walked back in the bedroom in her nightgown,

“Sorry for being so long, I had some complications getting my dress undone”

 

“No worries Wilhelmina.” Alfred smiled, he took a quick glance to where Drummond was last at and found he was no longer there.

 

As they got into bed, Wilhelmina asked what the wrapped box was since Florence didn’t tell her when she gave it to her.

Alfred shrugged and said it was just something random Edward had and it wasn’t anything really important.

Mina doubted that whatever it was wasn’t important but she was too tired to have a full conversation about it.

 

They both said their goodnights and fell asleep rather calmly that night.

 

Drummond watched them fall asleep from across the room, he knew Alfred would probably end up marrying Wilhelmina. He did find it ironic how Alfred got the future he was about to have before he died. If he didn’t pull off the engagement, which he was very determined to do. Drummond regretted storming out of Ciro’s that one night, if he stayed and actually talked it out with Alfred, that night would’ve ended way differently.

Champagne and oysters are very enticing.

 

All in all, Drummond was too late. He can never go back.

That’s the thing about death, once someone dies, there is no rewind or undo and that frustrated both Alfred and Drummond.

 

Drummond grinned softly when he saw that Alfred and Mina slept facing away from one another, he appreciated Wilhelmina’s kindness and understanding with Alfred.

Drummond took one last look at Alfred before walking out and disappearing into the dark hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am extra proud of this chapter so all comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!!!


	5. A Sleepless Night Before A Sleepless Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drummond finds Alfred awake when he should be sleeping the night before he and Wilhelmina are to set off to Scotland for Florence's wedding the following day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You've a fever inside me, and its been cold since you left." - Haunting by Halsey
> 
> Nothing major happens this chapter, I was worried it would be too short as I was having a major writer's block but I think it came out kind of long and I'm glad i'm finished writing it!

It’s the night before Alfred and Wilhelmina have to set off to Scotland for Florence’s wedding. It was on a Wednesday and they would have to stay in Scotland for three days as a whole trip.

Alfred couldn’t remember the exact location but an official invitation with the exact date and venue was mailed to Mina a week after Florence bumped into them on their shopping trip.

It was going to be somewhere at a church in the highlands is all he knew.

Wilhelmina has told him how Florence has family up in those areas and loved the highlands as a child, it was fitting for her to have her wedding there.

Alfred thought one of the actual reasons Florence picked to have it in Scotland was because her original wedding was going to be at the church that Drummond is now buried in-front of, Which was there in London.

All in all, Alfred dreaded these days since it was confirmed they would be attending, Thinking of possible excuses on to ‘suddenly’ not go but none were actually good enough to work.

Scotland was the last place he truly felt happy. Where he felt most himself and free. Free from formal etiquette and stiff standards.

Even if a quarter of the trip consisted of him, Drummond and the Duke along with the rest of the royal court anxiously waiting on news on if The Queen and Prince Albert were found, the evening before their last day was the best time of his life.

Drummond immediately hugged him after he told him the queen and prince were okay. That was the first time they fully embraced each other. Alfred could remember that Drummond scented of books and ink, reminding him of an old library.

Then later that same day when they went to where the servants were partying instead of listening to boring poetry, where he and Drummond happily danced together like giggly teenagers.

To when they snuck off into Hercules’ Garden, fully alone and got so deeply infatuated with one another that Drummond finally led into his temptations and kissed him.

Then kissed him again,

and again.

In those moments Alfred could remember the strongest feeling of love and compassion he’s ever felt. With the warmth of the sunlight and sounds of the water next to them, it felt like heaven and a dream to him. Everything was perfect and Alfred wishes they could’ve stayed there for eternity.

At that moment forward, the mention of Scotland would remind Alfred of all of those moments and make his day immediately.

Those memories were sacred to him and to have the place on where they happened stepped on by a wedding he didn’t want to go to of a person he basically despised felt like someone spilt ink over a drawing he felt proud of.

But there was nothing he could do.

 

-

 

Drummond made his way down the dark and quiet corridor to Alfred’s bedroom, he hasn’t told Alfred but sometimes he watches him sleep.

Drummond always found it interesting, it was the only time Alfred looked at peace with himself anymore. But of course there were many nights when Alfred would toss and turn, not  _actually_ sleeping.

He could tell when Alfred was having a nightmare, his breaths would become more sharp and his expression would become frustrated or worried. There wasn’t anything Drummond could do to make Alfred’s sleep better, that he knew of at least, so he would just watch him and hope Alfred’s mind would ease.

 

When Drummond entered Alfred’s room, he surprisingly sees Alfred sitting at his desk with his head leaning in his hand and fiddling with a half-empty glass of whiskey with the other. Drummond looked at his bed where Wilhelmina was sleeping soundly and back at Alfred in confusion. He slowly walked up to him, looking at a wall clock as he did so. It was late in the night,  _very_  late.

Alfred’s eyes were closed but he wasn’t asleep. He was in deep thought and Drummond could feel anxiousness along with envy within him.

 

“Alfred.” Drummond said softly, making sure he wouldn’t wake Mina even though she couldn’t hear him anyway.

Alfred jumped and blinked his eyes open, not expecting to have company in the middle of the night. He immediately looked at Drummond, he still got freaked out for a few moments when they talked to each other but calmed down and rubbed his eyes.

 

“Hey..” Alfred groaned, looking back down at his friendly glass of alcohol.

 

“Alfred it’s 3 in the morning, you should be sleeping.” Drummond whispered worryingly.

 

Alfred sighed, “I know but I am too stressed to sleep. I was hoping maybe a glass would help but it’s been 3 hours now and I don’t feel any different.” he said, gesturing to his whiskey.

Drummond furrowed his brows, Alfred always drank a far quantity of alcohol at times but lately he’s noticed that Alfred has been drinking a concerning amount these past few months.

 

“Plus when I fall asleep, it’s immediately tomorrow. That’s the last thing I want right now.”

 

“What’s going on tomorrow that’s so awful its making you drink whiskey at 3 in the morning?” Drummond asked, leaning against Alfred’s desk with his arms crossed as he always does.

Alfred looked at him with his eyebrows raised,

“I must’ve forgot to tell you that Wilhelmina and I were invited to Florence’s wedding.-“

Drummond slowly moved his head up as he did when he understood things.

Alfred’s voice got quieter as if it was hard to finish his sentence,

 

“- and it so happens to be in Scotland.”

 

Drummond sighed, he could agree that it is something to dread.

They sat in silence for a couple moments, Alfred shaking his head slightly. Alfred’s mind was racing and Drummond could tell he was getting agitated and even a bit mad at the situation.

 

“The one place that we had to ourselves.” Alfred mumbled.

 

“Sorry?” Drummond replied, not fully hearing what Alfred had said.

 

“The one place we had to ourselves without any interruptions or any worry about  _ANYTHING_  in the world.” Alfred said, this time more aggressive. Drummond quickly looked at Wilhelmina who moved in her sleep, they were lucky she was a heavy sleeper.

He turned his head back to Alfred and then looked down to his shoes as he continued,

 

“I’m probably just being over dramatic with all of this but it’s just so irritating that she can go on with her happy life. First she would’ve taken you, then she was able to to receive comfort left and right while mourning and now she’s moved on like you’re nothing, and -  _oh where’s the new wedding going to be at?- oh you know!_......”

Alfred inhaled a shaky sigh.

 

“- _Scotland_.” he finished, trailing his sentence into a whisper.

 

“It’s not going to be at Blair Athol, is it?” Drummond asked.

 

Alfred shook his head, “No it’s not, thank god, but.. still..”

 

There was more silence as Drummond didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t do anything to help Alfred or give him any ‘advice’. He just stood there and waited to see if Alfred would say anything else, the latter finished off his whiskey and slid his glass to the side.

They sat there together for a couple minutes in silence, Alfred tracing his finger on a scratch engraved in his desk. He was starting to wonder if Drummond was still there -which he was, quietly listening- but continued like he was whether Drummond were there or not.

 

“I just find it so fucked up, Edward. How not just her but everyone that knew you act like you never existed... and I-I know life goes on but... I just.. I don’t know.” Alfred said, obviously getting more tired than before.

Drummond looked at the blonde sadly, he hated seeing Alfred like this and knowing what he has to go through everyday. He was blank minded and still didn’t know what to say so when Alfred finally looked back at him, he just nodded his head sympathetically.

 

After awhile Drummond finally spoke up, realizing it was getting close to 4am, “I think it’s time for you to finally get some rest for tonight.” he moved his fingers over the flame of the candle sitting on Alfred’s desk while talking and pinched the flame out.

Alfred narrowed his eyes at the candle, as it was the only light source in his room other than the moon from outside his window.

 

“Alfred.” Drummond said, getting Alfred’s attention before he zones out.

“I may not be here physically but I will always be with you. Remember that.”

Alfred closed his eyes and nodded, he could feel a lump in his throat and tears forming.

When he opened his eyes, Drummond was no longer there. He looked around his dark room and sighed.

It always felt cold when he disappeared, which made it hard to believe what Drummond had just said to him and making Alfred feel more alone then ever.

 

Alfred sniffled and wiped the escaping tear running down his cheek away, he decided it was finally time to sleep. He got up quietly from his desk and got into bed next to Mina, who was sprawled out and snoring.

 

-

 

Alfred woke up exhausted, since he only got 4 hours of sleep, and groaned when Wilhelmina told him to get out of bed.

 

“Come on Alfred! The carriage will be here in an hour.” Mina said shaking Alfred’s shoulder.

 

“Nooo.” Alfred whinned, turning to his side and grabbing the pillow next to him to cuddle it like a child.

Mina giggled, she was able to take the pillow out of Alfred’s -surprisingly strong- grip and then threw it back at his head making him grunt and jerk his head up.

Alfred slowly opened his eyes and saw Wilhelmina already dressed and brushing her hair for a maid to curl it later, she was walking to the dressing room connected to their bedroom from opposite of their bed.

 

“There’s tea on your desk if you want a cup, it should give you some energy for the journey.”

 

Alfred sighed and finally got the mental energy to get up and out of bed. He looked out the window and stretched his arms. His eyes were burning from lack of sleep and he so desperately wanted to go back to bed but he knew that wasn’t an option.

Alfred walked over to the small tray on his desk that had an empty cup -probably Mina’s- and a full cup of tea. He decided to drink it, thankful it was still warm, figuring that if he chose alcohol instead, it would just make him feel worse.

He did make sure to secretly pack a flask with his things. Just in case.

 

-

 

Alfred helped Mina inside the carriage, making sure she wouldn’t fall or trip on her dress.

They both decided to match in colors, Mina was wearing a new peach colored dress with white trim and Alfred was able to find a pale orange cravat with a small white floral pattern on it. A nice small hint of color with his grey overcoat.

 

Alfred took a deep breath as they took off. No backing out now.

Wilhelmina noticed Alfred’s anxiousness and squeezed his arm. She knew he didn’t want to attend, and she knew why. She mentally cursed herself for her inability to say ‘no’ but made a joke about how at least her aunt wasn’t coming along with them in an attempt to ease Alfred’s anxiety.

Alfred would’ve jumped out of the carriage while it was moving if her aunt was going with them. She would’ve reprimanded him, telling him to “suck it up and be happy for the poor girl”.

 

Alfred did smile and huff at her joke about her aunt, but remained staring out the window with his mouth leaning against his hand.

 

This was going to be interesting for both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter OFF TO FLORENCE'S 'AMAZING' WEDDING! (notice my sarcasm)
> 
> All comments and kudos appreciated <3


	6. Vows Of Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Florence's wedding and Alfred gets asked a personal question that makes him think about his emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm jealous of the wind, That ripples through your clothes  
> It's closer than your shadow. Oh, I'm jealous of the wind." - Jealous by Labrinth
> 
>  
> 
> I tried to research as much as i could on Victorian weddings but the traditions changed quite alot then and I couldn't really get much info on receptions that I could actually weave into the story so if any details are off or incorrect for that time please mind it XD, I tried by best lol. I also tried to make this chapter longer, and this will be the only chapter that focuses on Florence's wedding because I can't bare to write any more from it.

 

 

Alfred stared at his reflection in the mirror, his eyes had bags under them from yet another night with little sleep. He adjusted the collar of his shirt and sighed.

Today was the day.

 

They arrived in Scotland two days ago, using their time freely and seeing what there was to see before ‘ _the big day_ ’ _._ Alfred had to admit, the town they were in was beautiful and he liked the little shops that were on each corner. It was quite calming and he could easily forget the real reason they were even in Scotland.

 

Alfred looked over at Wilhelmina who was having her hair curled by a maid while she was reading the London paper that was sent to them. Alfred flashed a small smile as he remembered their own wedding that was only 8 months ago.

 

Alfred never loved Mina any more than of a best friend and she understood that. They were both in situations where marrying each other would be the greatest solution and they made the best of it as much as they could.

They were able to have an okay wedding and clinked glasses of champagne to each other that night. Instead of doing the normal duties newly weds do in the ‘marital bed’, they simply laughed at jokes and fell asleep snoring in each other’s ear.

As people always say, marry your best friend.

 

Alfred and Mina were in coordinating colors again for the wedding itself, he wearing a blue silk cravat along with a blue and gold thin stripped vest to go with a black over coat while she wearing a baby blue dress with small black dots patterned on it and a blue bonnet with a gold ribbon to go with it.

They truly were a matching duo.

 

Mina walked over to Alfred once she was finished getting ready.

 

“Are you all set to go?” She asked, touching his arm slightly to get his attention from the window he was now looking out of.

 

Alfred looked at her and smiled, “I think I am.”

He still dreaded letting Wilhelmina agree to Florence’s invite and did not want to be there but he figured this was as ‘set to go’ as he could get.

He opened the door from their room and bowed slightly.

 

“After you Madam.” he said properly in a joking sense. Wilhelmina giggled and thanked him in a dramatic tone.

 

The church where the wedding was being held was at a church in Perthshire, Scotland, along with the building where the reception is held which was only 10 minutes away.

The reception building also happened to be the place where the ‘immediate friends and family’ were staying. Alfred and Wilhelmina were somehow under that category of Immediate Friends.

Alfred didn’t complain though as if he needed to escape the living hell of the wedding, he could simply excuse himself to his room.

 

-

 

Alfred and Mina sat waiting with the rest of the guests, the ceremony was going to start any minute now. The infamous fiance, Martin, was waiting impatiently at the alter and Alfred thought he looked odd. Not necessarily in a bad way but he thought he just didn’t fit the image of someone who would marry a woman like Florence. He was a college professor and mathematician but his family wasn’t any more rich than Florence’s family.

Alfred shrugged it off, just wanting this whole thing to be over with already.

But he couldn’t help but remember standing in that same position months ago, waiting for Wilhelmina to walk down the aisle.

His parents smiling happily at him and his 7 brothers clapping along with the rest of the guests, Queen Victoria herself congratulating them both at the reception.

Other than his family and Victoria, Alfred didn’t focus on who was even at his own wedding. There were a few people in the very back at the church he never glanced at but he always figured they were relatives of Mina’s he had never met.

 

Alfred tapped his foot anxiously, Mina’s arm still linked with his from when they first sat down. She looked at him, seeing the tension in his face and sighed. The more she saw how tense Alfred was getting, the more she regretted bringing him. Maybe she should’ve just went with her aunt and left him at the palace.

Alfred’s heart jumped as bells were suddenly rang and someone started playing the piano to signal that the ceremony has started. Everyone including Alfred and Mina stood up as the church doors opened.

“ _Let the fun begin_.” Alfred thought.

Alfred turned and saw the maids of honor walking down the aisle along with Florence and her father slowly following them.

Florence’s wedding dress was nice, not too extravagant but fancy enough to show wealth. Since Queen Victoria chose to have her wedding dress as the color white, it’s been the ‘big thing’ for weddings. So of course, being the in-style woman she was, Florence’s dress and head piece were indeed white.

Even though she was wearing a veil over her face, Alfred could see that Florence was smiling happily as can be. To finally be walking down that aisle.

Alfred could feel a spark of jealousy again seeing her like that. It wasn’t that Alfred didn’t think she doesn’t deserve to be happy, it just still boggled his mind how she’s moved on already. She was no longer wearing black or crying, she wouldn’t even mention his name.

Alfred could see Martin was smiling widely too, at least she found someone who loved her as much as she loved him.

The ceremony went on, with the repetitive speech and vows that every couple swear on their life to follow. With “I do’s” and exchanging golden bands that represent the cage of marriage. Alfred looked at his own ring, the simple golden piece of metal to tell others he belongs to only one person was sitting on his finger as it does everyday. It started to feel tight the more he thought about it, making him feel claustrophobic and literally trapped but looked back up and tried to shrug the feeling away.

 

Nobody seemed to notice a figure leaning against a post in the back of the church. He watched the ceremony with stern eyes, but they softened upon looking at Alfred.

The figure was indeed Drummond, he contemplated even showing up but knew Alfred would probably need some sort of company that was someone other than Wilhelmina. He wished on anything that he could properly be there with him, he felt so guilty leaving Alfred alone.

“ _that would’ve been me_.” Drummond thought, watching Florence and Martin exchange rings. He cringed at the thought but realized he would’ve had no choice but to marry her if he had survived getting shot.

Drummond decided he did not want to linger around and watch anymore of the dreadful ceremony, he took one last look at Alfred, who was now looking down at his hands, and started walking out the door. Upon reaching the sunlight from outside, he disappeared.

 

“I now announce you as husband and wife, you may kiss the bride.” the priest said.

The whole audience cheered and clapped as the newly wedded couple happily kiss each other, giving them a standing ovation. Alfred clapped too, giving a small smile as Wilhelmina smiled widely and clapping more enthusiastically than he was.

Alfred remembered his family cheering at his own wedding, his mother was crying and his father was smiling proudly at him. His brothers were all patting him on the back later on.

If only they knew.

 

-

 

The reception was nice, it was both inside and outside of the reception house, everyone would dine inside in the ballroom but were free to walk outside after the meal in the small garden to look out onto the highlands where drinks were also being handed out.

Alfred and Wilhelmina sat at a table close to the newly weds’ table, they were sitting with various of other friends of Florence.

Of course like all weddings, speeches were spoken by Martin’s father and Martin himself. Alfred easily got bored and annoyed by them, yearning to go outside and have a cheroot but if he did so it would be awfully rude.

Their speeches involved the “I’m proud of how far my son has come in his life” boasts and the “I am a lucky man” quotes. Alfred too of course spoke a speech at own wedding but only went along the lines that he was glad he is able to marry his best friend. Never saying that Mina was the ‘ _love of his life_ ’because if he did, he’d be lying to Wilhelmina and himself.

 

Florence’s father then stood up, saying he too had some words to say. Alfred cringed at the tone of his voice which was deep and hoarse, remembering back when Drummond first told him he was engaged.

 

“ _I was meeting the Marquess of Lothian_.”

_“Is he a friend of yours?”_

_“_ _._ _.. he’s going to be my father-in-law.”_

_“You’re engaged?..._

_May I offer you my_ _congratulations_ _.”_ _  
_

Alfred looked down, fiddling with the end of his sleeve to distract his shaky hands from being noticeable to anyone else.

Florence blushed when her father stood up, she didn’t know what he was going to say and prepared for the worst.

 

“My daughter and our family had been through some tough times this past year-“

 

Alfred clenched his jaw and tried to swallow the lump in his throat, knowing what Lothian meant by “tough times”. 

 

“- and now that time has pasted, the sun is shining bright on us again on this fine day as we celebrate this beautiful couple!”

Lothian smiled at them and people clapped, Florence looking at Martin and then back at her father.

“There is light at the end of every dark tunnel! and my daughter deserves the best of the best.” Lothian continued, gesturing to Martin who grinned and bowed his head as a thank you.

 

Lothian sat back down to notion he was done talking, again everyone clapped and went back to eating their food.

Alfred wondered when the ‘light’ would shine on the dark tunnel his life has become, growing jealous again that Florence was able to find hers while he was stuck drowning in his grief.

He took a big gulp from his champagne glass and acted like he was intrigued about whatever the people he was sitting with were talking about.

At least the food was good and there was endless alcohol.

 

It was getting late in the evening and the sun started to go down into a warm sunset across the highlands, the wedding was about over and Alfred was leaning against the small balcony that was in the hallway next to his room with a cheroot between his fingers.

He was able to excuse himself from the reception downstairs and have some time to himself.

He watched the people below him that were outside, everybody talking in their own little groups and laughing every so often, happy as can be. Alfred used to be an outgoing party animal too, with a love for dancing. But how could one dance when their heart is too heavy to even smile?

Alfred still talks to people and uses his old quirky attitude he’s known for as an effort to hide his sorrows but not as much as he used to before Drummond died.

 

“Do you need some company?” a familiar voice said behind him.

Alfred looked back and saw Drummond slowly walking up next to him. Alfred blinked, not expecting him to appear here in Scotland.

 

“I- uh.. I don’t know if I would consider you as company.” Alfred laughed softly, looking back out at the sunset.

Drummond smiled and leaned against the balcony, looking out into the warm sky with him.

 

“Are you alright?” Drummond asked calmly, looking at Alfred whose eyes turned into a violet when reflecting the pink sky.

 

Alfred inhaled, “I think you already know the answer to that.” he said taking a puff from his cheroot and smiling, but dropping it and looking down at his sleeve.

 

Drummond looked him with sadness in his eyes, he hated himself so much for leaving Alfred like this. He wondered if getting married would’ve been easier, and where he would’ve been at this moment if he didn’t jump in front of that bullet.

Alfred sensed the uneasy silence, and tried to think of something to talk about.

 

“You should have seen my wedding, it was alright but I would be lying if I said I didn’t dread it as much as I did this one.” Alfred finally said, looking up from his sleeve and back at the sunset.

The corner of Drummond’s mouth perked up and he looked at Alfred.

 

“I was at your wedding. It was very nice.”

Alfred looked at him confused. He would’ve noticed him if he was.

 

“You were? But I didn’t see you-“

 

“I know, because I didn’t _want_   you to notice me. But I was there.” Drummond said, smiling softly and looking at the people below him.

Alfred was trying to think, where would he have been?

Then it hit him. There was a person in the very back of the church that he didn’t bother to focus on. He didn't think anything of them and automatically thought it could've been a family friend he didn't know.

That was Drummond.

Alfred’s expression softened and saddened, now knowing Drummond watched him get married made him feel guilty and hoped that Drummond didn’t think he forgot him already then.

 

“I’m proud of you for doing that.” he said, giving Alfred a sympathetic grin. “I understand it was hard to do so.”

 

Alfred inhaled deeply and nodded, blinking his eyes to stop the tears that were starting to form.

 

They heard footsteps behind them, Alfred looked back and saw Wilhelmina walking up to them.

Drummond disappeared when Mina was next to Alfred, basically taking up the space on where he was standing but he still lingered, wanting to listen on what they were going to talk about.

 

Wilhelmina could see the sadness in Alfred’s face, she knew he was hiding his emotions from her.

She didn’t say anything immediately, taking in the view of the sunset over the highlands. The warm sunlight washing over the hills reminded her of when she spotted Alfred and Drummond in Hercules’ Garden the last time they were in Scotland. She didn’t fully understand it but she knew it was intimate and definitely more than anything friendly.

Alfred seemed so happy and at peace then, and to see him now where he is the complete opposite made Mina wish she could’ve done something to stop what happened to poor Drummond. He was a kind man and definitely didn’t deserve to die the way he did and she knew Alfred in some form, loved him.

Wilhelmina hesitated before speaking, not really knowing how to bring what she was thinking up.

“How does it feel?... Losing the thing you loved most, I mean..” She said shyly, looking down at her hands to avoid any oncoming eye contact.

Alfred was shocked that Wilhelmina asked him that, he looked her and thought before replying.

He wanted to say it felt like hell. A constant hell. A life full of painful reminders that you will never get to see or touch the person you love again.

 

“It... It feels like someone took all of the warm light in your life and smashed it on the ground. Leaving you empty and cold.” Alfred responded, now avoiding Wilhelmina’s eye contact and going back to fiddling with his sleeve.

“and it’s hard to see someone move on so easily when you’re stuck in the dark.”

 

Mina looked at him once more but this time with question in her eyes.

 

“Do you want to move on?” she asked him.

 

Alfred looked at her, his mouth open like he had an answer but in reality he didn’t. He never thought about it in that way.

Did he want to move on from Drummond? The thought of him moving on and being purely happy without him felt wrong and impossible. It felt like betrayal. He didn’t want to move on but at the same time he wanted to know what it felt like to be happy again.

_"Is having Edward back an option?"_ he thought.

 

Alfred looked away and didn’t respond, it was too much of a question to actually answer.

Wilhelmina also looked away and nodded softly.

 

After a few minutes of silence, Wilhelmina figured she should probably go back down to the reception before people start wondering where she went (and why Alfred was also mysteriously gone).She told Alfred she was going to head back down and he smiled and nodded in reply. Mina squeezed his arm, smiling back before walking away.

 

When Wilhelmina left Alfred’s side, Drummond appeared back where he was before. He was staring at Alfred speechless, he heard every part of their conversation.

 

“You don’t want to move on, do you?” he asked, slightly startling Alfred with his appearance.

 

Alfred sighed, “I- I don’t know..” he said shaking his head.

 

“I mean... how can I? How can I move on from you?” 

 

Drummond looked at his own hands and didn’t respond.

 

“It’s just difficult to think about.” Alfred said softly.

 

They both looked out into the remaining pinks and purples of the sunset. Alfred secretly glanced at Drummond when he was indulging the sunset, the sky’s colors hit his skin like normal but there was nothing reflecting from his eyes like they would've if he were actually there.

How Alfred could see and talk to ‘a Drummond’ still baffled and subconsciously freaked him out but never wanted to question it. 

If he focused long enough, Alfred could see that Drummond was a little transparent meaning he could see through him slightly but it wasn’t fully noticeable.

 

He looked back at the sky and sighed, he just wanted to go back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alot of emotional angst in this chapter!
> 
> Comments and kutos appreciated as usual <3


	7. Sweet Dreams and Sober Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred and Wilhelmina come back from Scotland, a small ball is being held at the palace and Alfred has a little too much to drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I can't love when I can't even love myself  
> Things I would rather be thoughts at the back of my head  
> But I'm addicted to hurting  
> And I spent too many late nights  
> Just thinking a hole in the earth” -Drugs by EDEN
> 
> I'm dedicating this chapter to the Drumfred saltmine squad, for constantly making me smile and feel in inspired with thir own writing <3
> 
> Also I am so sorry there has been a long wait for this chapter! Life is very busy for me right now and i don't have much time to write as I did during the summer <3 I made sure this chapter was on the longer side to make up for my absence :)

 

Alfred stood out on the balcony right outside his room doorway, he was looking out onto the highlands abroad with a cheroot sitting between his index and middle finger while the others hold a metal flask.

It was very early in the morning, the sun just leaving from the horizon and the grass below was still covered in dew. Alfred needed some fresh air to help straighten out his thoughts. Wilhelmina was still sleeping and Alfred figured so was everyone else in the house.

They were leaving Scotland -finally, Alfred thought- and he wanted to take in the last bit of refreshing silence that the highlands could give him before they left later that morning.

Alfred knew he shouldn’t be up this early but he couldn’t make himself go back to sleep after last night. Not only because the conversation he had with ‘Drummond’ on the same balcony he was standing on now but when he went to bed that night, he in fact had another dream. It was a sweet one, a lovely one at that but to wake up to a bed with someone completely different and coming to the realization that the dream did not happen and never will, was cold to the heart.

As Alfred looked off onto the silent, foggy highlands, he revised every part of it as if it really happened.

 

Alfred and Drummond lay in bed under the dozens of sheets and blankets, giggling with one another like teenagers. It’s late into the night and they’ve been in bed together for hours, with their clothes long gone across the floor and their bodies intertwined like the roots of a tree. Nothing could separate them.

They talked and kissed and laughed for years it seemed, and from Alfred’s point of view, the candle light was hitting Edward’s face so perfectly he looked angelic.

 

“I wish we could stay like this forever.” he said quietly as he moved a curl from Edward’s face, “Where no one is with us and we can truly be ourselves.”

 

Edward chuckled, “Wouldn’t that be lovely?”

 

“If only.” Alfred sighed sadly, knowing that Edward would have to get up and go back to his own house soon, like he did every night they spent together.

 

Edward must’ve noticed his sadness, because his face softened and he cupped Alfred’s cheek with his hand.

“hey..” he whispered softly, “listen, at this very moment the universe is just this room. Everything outside does not exist.” he stroked Alfred’s cheek with his thumb and smiled.

 

“All that matters right now is you and I.”

 Alfred covered Edward’s hand with his own and smiled.

 

“Don’t worry about anything else. Got it?”

 Alfred nodded because Edward was right, he shouldn’t be taking these nights for granted and dreading on when it will end. He should just enjoy the moment while it happens.

 

“Good.” Edward whispered so quietly only Alfred would be able to hear. He leans in and kisses him to complete on reassuring him. Alfred pulls Edward in for a hug and sighs.

‘ _How did I ever get so lucky?’_ Alfred thought, his mind filled with overwhelm and love for the other man and he never wanted to let go of him. These were the nights he favored most, of course he loves every moment he gets to spend with Edward but these nights were best above all. He’d choose their endless nights together over just having a glance at him once a week any day. Who wouldn’t?

 “You are an angel among people Edward.” Alfred said into Edward’s neck as he still clings to him.

He feels Edward smile and hum in response.

 

“and I love you so much.” Alfred exhaled and finally released his embrace.

Edward was still smiling warmly, with eyes full of adoration and Alfred strokes his cheekbone slowly. Edward opens his mouth like he’s about to speak but when Alfred blinks, he finds himself in a colder bed with his arm stretched out in front of him, almost laying on top of Mina.

 

Alfred takes a sip from his flask. Then another. Then finishes the last bit of his cheroot. Now that he thought of it, he thought of his dream-self as foolish. He would do anything just to glance at Edward again. Alfred really thought that almost a year after, he would’ve been able to move on by now. To be able to actually smile. To not be plagued by the constant reminder that the only person he’s ever truly loved was six feet under and never coming back up. That he’d be able to take a breath and not feel guilty that Drummond couldn’t. To not see him in every corner of his dreams and thoughts. To not have everything he sees or hears or touches remind his brain of him.  _To not be haunted by the living memory that follows him everywhere_.

Alfred has tried to remember how it felt to be happy. To be  _actually_  happy. But it’s been so long he’s not sure he can fully remember it.

He also wondered what it was like to be up in the clouds, to forever be in the warmth of the sunlight and away from the danger of humanity. He wondered if it was possible he could be happy there, to join Drummond on that land of clouds and eternity. He always had a love for sunrises and sunsets, god knows what the view looks like from up there.

Alfred peered down to the ground below him, he noticed the balcony was almost as high as it was back at the palace.

 

“ _If we fell, it could be months till we were found.”_

_“you seem very calm at the prospect_.”

 

If only the journey to that land of clouds was less difficult than what it really was.

Alfred peaked behind him at the grandfather clock in the hallway to see what time it was, ‘ _7:28_ ’ the hands said. They would be on their way back to London by 11am, and Wilhelmina would be waking up any minute now.

“ _Only a few minutes till life starts tugging at my sleeves again._ ” he thought. Alfred sighed and took another drink from his flask before closing it, he contemplated on having another cheroot but he left the rest of them on his bedside table and did not want to leave the balcony.

He felt a subtle cold breeze brush through him and even though there was a small breeze outside, it wasn’t cold. It didn’t seem to knock Alfred’s train of thought good enough to question it, so he kept on enjoying the last bit of silence he would get in awhile.

 

Drummond stood far behind him, watching. Listening. He didn’t want to intrude immediately because he knew Alfred wasn’t in the mood to talk. Even though they weren’t talking, Drummond could understand what Alfred was thinking. He couldn’t directly read Alfred’s thoughts but he can vaguely feel his emotions and get tiny details of what he could probably be thinking. He always of course felt tension and all sorts of sadness, he sometimes even felt anger.

Drummond could tell Alfred was thinking about him. What else did he ever think about?

He wanted to speak up but he wasn’t sure what to say.

_“You think about me alot.”_

_“You’re up early.”_

_“I’m concerned about you, Alfred.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“I wish you didn’t have to live like this_.”

 

Edward took a step and opened his mouth as he was about to finally speak up, but just then Wilhelmina, still in her night gown, slowly walked out of their room. She didn’t say anything immediate to Alfred either, looking at him from the doorway and admiring how calm she thought he seemed to be.

Edward slowly closed his mouth and took back his step. He will just have to talk to Alfred later.

Wilhelmina walked up to Alfred and lightly touched his elbow. Alfred inhaled and turned to look who was with him. He secretly snuck the small flask to his side where it was out of sight, it’s very unusual for someone to be drinking at this time of day and he didn’t want any concerned questions. How would he answer them if they were to be asked?

 “Interesting to see you up before me.” Mina said, a small smile on her face. Alfred huffed a laugh.

Mina was normally the first one to wake up, having to shake Alfred out of bed 10 minutes later since he doesn’t seem to sleep as much as she assumes he does. The only times he has woken up before her is if he’s had a nightmare.

 

“Care to tell me why?” she asked,

“Did you have another one of those dreams?”

 Alfred sighed and nodded.

 

“It was a nice one though.. Not a bad one this time.” he said quietly, smiling for a second on remembering his dream again but it fades quickly.

Mina smiles softly and pats his arm.

 “That’s good.” Mina said softly. She looked at Alfred, who was looking out onto the highlands again and the look on his face was calm yet so sad at the same time. She could tell he was tired but something in his blue eyes told her that his mind was constantly running. It broke her heart in a way she didn’t understand.

Alfred then furrowed his brows to show he was thinking, he looked over at Wilhelmina who was about to walk back to their room.

 

“Wilhelmina?”

Mina turned back and looked at Alfred.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

“Of course, what is it?” she replied, rewinding her previous steps from almost leaving to go back to their room.

Alfred hesitated. He wasn’t sure how to bring it up.

 

“Do you ever wish you married someone else?”

 

Alfred was ignoring eye contact but Wilhelmina starred at him.

 

“I-I’m not sure I fully understand what you’re asking.” she laughed nervously.

 

“I mean, do you ever wish you married someone who actually... loved you?” Alfred finally looked back at Wilhelmina, she was speechless at the out-of-the-blue question but was she thinking about her answer.

 

“I-...I don’t know. I guess I never really thought of it before, since I never experienced it.” Wilhelmina began to fiddle with her fingernails.

Alfred nodded. He always believed Wilhelmina deserved better then what he gave her. He tries his best to be a good husband but that can only go to a certain limit. He cared for her very deeply and he knew she did too. But with seeing the Queen and the Prince all over each other and having children left and right, wouldn’t she ever get jealous and maybe wish she had that too? Maybe she did, but Alfred was too shy to keep bugging her about it.

 

The silence noted it was time to change the subject. Wilhelmina figured it was time they should have some breakfast and get ready to go back home. She also told the latter he should probably stop loitering, he smiled in response.

 

-

 

The ride back home was quiet and long. Only little talk was exchanged between the couple. There were a few times Alfred had almost dozed off in the carriage but then they’d hit a bump in the road, jerking him awake again. He was just glad they were finally leaving.

 

A letter was arrived to them earlier that morning during their breakfast. It was from the palace and it looks like the Queen has decided to throw a small ball in honor of the Prince’s birthday, and they would be back in London just in time to make it.

Alfred thought it was pretty last minute for them to know but maybe it was meant as some type of surprise to Prince Albert and didn’t want anyone to tell him. Alfred didn’t mind balls anyway, they were an easy way to have multiple glasses of champagne.

 

Wilhelmina thought about the question Alfred asked her earlier. Why would he ask such a thing?

“ _He must feel guilty_.” she thought _._ She wasn’t bothered in anyway that she married Alfred and the feelings he had for her were strictly platonic, she thought it was rather better then most other things. She’s heard stories of women her age getting paired with old crusty men who have no respect or getting matched people they despise. Her and Alfred were the closest of friends and he treated her well, letting her have more freedom then what most women she knew had, some of her friends were even jealous.

Did Wilhelmina sometimes wish to have a child of her own? Yes, she would wish or wonder but not to the point where it upset her a whole lot. Alfred had his obvious reasons on why he did not want to conceive a child with her and she understood. The more she thought of it, the process of actually ‘making’ the child seemed awkward and embarrassing to imagine with Alfred. She wouldn’t be able to look at him the same way after doing so. So maybe it was for the best they agreed on no children, but that still doesn’t mean adoption wasn’t an option at some point.

But the part of Alfred’s question that still made her think was when he asked if she ever wished she married someone who loved her. Mina replied with “I don’t know” because she really didn’t. The more she thought through it, the more she realized she didn’t fully understand what love was or felt like. She’s had crushes before, like that short while when she first came to the palace, Prince Ernest made her heart flutter but that feeling faded away after noticing his interest for Harriet. But actually feeling true love, Mina hasn’t experienced it.

She still didn’t regret marrying Alfred, something he said to her when they got engaged entered in her mind.

 

“ _There is more than one type of love_.”

 

Somehow that saying gave her hope, maybe she could still experience love but just in a different way. She also figured that the relationship and feelings Alfred had with Drummond was one other type of love she didn’t know about either. They seemed to have loved each other the same way a man and a woman can, but she didn’t know if it should actually be called the same thing. If only there was an actual name for it, it would make her thinking less confusing.

 

-

 

The queen, Alfred and Wilhelmina were walking about in the throne room, watching the foots-men and servants set everything up for the celebration later that evening.

 

“I am so glad you two have made it back just in time for the ball.” The queen smiled widely while looking back at Alfred and Mina.

 

“and I apologize for not sending a letter earlier, it was kind of last minute as both Vicky and Ernest thought it was an excellent way to celebrate Albert’s birthday.” Victoria giggled as Vicky runs past them.

 

“No worries ma’am we are happy we are back in time to attend.” Alfred said as he and Wilhelmina smile back at Victoria. When Victoria looked away, the latter raised their eyebrows at each other. It was going to be a long, stressful night.

 

-

 

The throne room was filled with food tables, musicians and people. Since it was a smaller ball to celebrate Prince Albert’s birthday, only family, friends, acquaintances from the government and honorable people were invited but it was still loud and crowded.

Wilhelmina was standing with her aunt, who was huffing about the fact that the queen shouldn’t have gone all out just for the Prince’s birthday.

 “Where’s that husband of yours?” her aunt asked, Mina then furrowed her brows and looked around.

Her aunt huffed again at seeing Mina did not know where her lost case of a husband was.

 

Alfred stood towards the back, by a food table that he would casually take a few bits from now and then. He was definitely not in the mood to deal with Mina’s aunt and tried his best to stray away from them as much as he could. Just him, glasses of champagne and pastry trays.

He had been requested to dance with a few people but declined them with the excuse of a headache, he was always known to have a love for dancing -and being very good at it- but that passion has decreased a lot in the past year.

Alfred looked at the people around him. All talking, laughing or dancing. Victoria and Albert were dancing gracefully with each other, looking in one another’s eyes with hearts full of love.

Alfred took a drink of his champagne and looked in a different direction.

He saw Prince Ernest and Harriet talking with smiles on their faces, Harriet laughed at something Ernest had said and he looked at her with that same heart full of love.

Alfred took another gulp of his champagne and finished it. Upon seeing his glass was now empty, he grabs another from a foots-man walking by and looks in yet another direction.

Alfred saw Sir Robert Peel and his wife standing in another corner, they were exchanging of what seems like a pleasant conversation.

Alfred didn’t notice right away but Sir Robert Peel must’ve seen him too and started to walk over to his direction.

Upon realizing Peel was walking toward him, he quickly drank another sip of his champagne before putting it down on the table beside him.

 

“Lord Alfred! Long time no see.” Peel said, lending out his hand for Alfred to shake it. Alfred took it and grinned a thin smile.

 

“Indeed, sir.” he replied, their hand shake lingered a bit too long for comfort.

There was a short awkward silence between the two men, as they both aren’t very close friends in general and the fact that the last time they properly saw each other was at Drummond’s funeral made tension thicker than usual.

Alfred cleared his throat,

“Have you been enjoying your retirement from being Prime Minister?” Alfred asked while grabbing his glass from the table and taking another sip from it.

 

Peel grinned, “I have, yes..”

Sir Robert went on about all the things he and his wife have done the past few months, along with his son who has decided to also get into politics and maybe be Prime Minister himself some day. Alfred could tell Peel was very proud of his son.

 

“What about you Lord Alfred.”

Alfred looked at him.

“How have you been.” Sir Robert asked.

Alfred hesitated, maybe Sir Robert noticed how tired he seemed to be.

“Oh you know...” Alfred shrugged, “Her Majesty isn’t too fond of the new Prime Minister. She insists that I am with her during all their meetings.”

Peel chuckled, “So i’ve heard.”

Alfred smiled too, looking at the people around them. He shrugged again but softer than before and looked back at Peel.

 

“But.. I’ve been doing alright.”

 

Peel nodded. 

Sir Robert then said he should probably get back to where his wife was now talking to another woman, they both nodded their goodbyes and Alfred took the last swallow of his current glass of champagne.

 

After awhile, Alfred noticed all of the chatter and people were giving him a major headache (along with the 3 glasses of champagne he’s had but that didn’t occur to him).

He figured no one would be looking for him and slowly crept out of the throne room and down the main hallway.

His quiet bedroom, a glass of whiskey and a cheroot sounded much more pleasing then a crowded room of people enjoying themselves much more than he was.

 

-

 

Drummond looked into the throne room full of people, he wasn’t sure what the occasion was but it was pleasant seeing the Queen and Prince Albert happily dance with one another. He looked around to see if Alfred was anywhere but he could not find him. He managed to spot Wilhelmina and her aunt, and then Sir Robert Peel and his wife.

Drummond smiled sadly upon spotting Sir Robert. He was the last person he ever talked to, and rather the whole reason why Drummond’s name was now engraved on a stone. Drummond hoped Peel didn’t feel he was to blame for his death, it was in no way his fault and he was glad he saved his life.

Sir Robert was like a father to him, and it saddened him to know he couldn’t thank him one last time.

A man walked past Drummond -or rather walked through him- and bumped him out of his distracted thoughts. It’s odd to see Alfred was no where to be found.

Drummond looked out onto the balcony and he wasn’t there either. The only other place Alfred could be was his bedroom.

 

He went to Alfred’s bedroom, expecting him to maybe be sleeping or gazing out the window but when Drummond arrived, he found him with his head and arms laying on his desk, glass cup in hand, half asleep and drunk. His jacket and cravat were also thrown somewhere on the floor.

Drummond sighed, he knew it was bound to happen at some point.

He walked up to him and furrowed his brows.

 

“Alfred.” he said, the only answer back was a snore.

“Alfred.” he said again but louder.

 

Alfred jolted his head up, eyes blinking and hair a mess.

When he saw Drummond standing in front of him, his eyes lit up.

 

“Oh HELLO!!” Alfred said excitedly, Drummond raised his eyebrows but still looked at him with concern.

 

Alfred squinted his eyes at Drummond, “You look different. Y-you look more-...”

Alfred waved his hands around in an attempt to explain what he was trying to say,

“you look- you look more glowy.” A clumsy smile formed on Alfred’s face when he finally finished his sentence.

 

Drummond sighed, “Alfred how much have you had to drink?”

 

Alfred shrugged and sank down in his desk chair, “oh uh... just a glass of champagne.”

 Drummond quirked an eyebrow at him and smirked. That was obviously a lie.

 

“Alfred I think you need to lie down. You are way too drunk.” Drummond nodded his head toward Alfred’s bed.

 

Alfred made a face and waved his hand, “Noo, I’m fine!”

 

“You can barely keep your eyes open, Alfred. Please, at least  _try_  to lie down.”

 

Alfred giggled and then leaned forward, “Make me.” He laughed again and slumped back into his chair.

Drummond wondered how he even got to this state but remembered that there was ‘unlimited’ alcohol downstairs at the ball and figured Alfred definitely went all out without realizing it.

The bottle of whiskey that lived on his desk that he met with every night probably didn’t help either.

Drummond couldn’t help but chuckle a bit too.

 

“Trust me, if I could I would.” he said.

 

“Well, w-why can’t you?” Alfred asked, leaning his head back on the chair.

Drummond’s small smile faded. Alfred was so drunk he didn’t remember that Drummond was dead.

He remained silent, until Alfred repeated his question.

 

“Don’t you remember?”

 

Alfred squinted at him confusingly,

“Remember what?”

He looked around, thinking. He reminded Drummond of a child, an innocent confused child that was trying his best to remember the answer to a question a school professor asked him.

Drummond gave him time to remember and when he did, his face dropped and his eyes became clouded with tears.

He looked back up at Drummond, who was looking at him with sympathy in his face.

 

“But you can’t be! How can you be?” Alfred said, tears now streaming down his face.

Drummond looked back at the closed door behind him nervously when Alfred started to  _loudly_  sob with his face in his hands, laying his head down on his desk.

 

“Alfred, please-“

 

“I NEVER GOT TO SAY GOODBYE!”

 

Drummond scratched the back of his neck, he didn’t really know what to do. He couldn’t help Alfred into his bed or comfort him in anyway. He understood Alfred was drunk so his emotions were extremely exaggerated, but he knew that what ever was making him wail like a middle-aged woman was what he felt like on the inside all the time.

And that saddened him deeply.

 

Surprisingly, no one heard Alfred’s loud, drunken cries and after a few minutes, Alfred was back to snoring on his desk.

Drummond watched him sleep and took the cork of the whisky bottle to close it. What a wreck this boy was.

 

-

 

The queen sighed happily, she had just finished a dance with Prince Albert and was looking for another partner for the next song. She remembered she hasn’t danced with Lord Alfred in a long time and decided she will request a dance with him. He was her favorite dance partner after all before meeting Albert and they were very close friends, but she’s noticed he’s been distant lately. Maybe she could tell him a joke while they dance to lighten his spirits.

Victoria looked around, she saw Wilhelmina but no Alfred. She went up to Mina and asked if she knew where he was.

 

“I have no idea ma’am, I haven’t really seen him all night.” Wilhelmina replied with a nervous laugh, her aunt still silently judging Wilhelmina’s skills on keeping up with her husband’s whereabouts.

 

Victoria kept looking around wondering. She spotted Prince Ernest and Harriet talking and decided to ask them too if they knew where Alfred was.

 

Ernest looked behind him and made a thoughtful face.

 

“I believe I saw him walk down the main hallway earlier. Would you like me to go look for him ma’am?” Ernest asked while putting down his glass of champagne.

Victoria smiled, “yes please do, I would much like to get a dance with him before the night is over.” Ernest bowed both to Victoria and Harriet, and secretly winked at Harriet.

 

Ernest went walking down the hallways, peaking through any of the opened rooms he passed. No sign of Alfred anywhere, which was quite odd because he was normally a ‘party animal’ as some might call it from what he could remember.

He and Alfred weren’t close friends but he’d definitely invite him out for a drink or on a horse ride around the gardens if he wanted to.

Maybe he went to his bedchambers, Ernest thought. Nothing wrong with checking.

 

When Ernest came to the door of Alfred’s bedchambers, he put his ear up to the door and knocked.

 “Alfred?”

Ernest only heard muffled snores through the door. He sighed and opened the door.

There he saw Alfred snoring at his desk and Ernest knew a drunk man when he saw one. He chuckled and walked over to him.

Ernest leaned over to face Alfred and slowly started to shake him.

 

“Alfred..” he said softly, still shaking him.

“It’s your ol’ pal Ernest here.”

 

“Ed-..ward?” Alfred mumbled.

 

“Ernest.” Ernest replied.

Alfred shuffled on his desk, groaning and trying to get Ernest to stop shaking him.

Ernest laughed again, this has to be the first time he’s ever seen Alfred drunk.

 

“You should be sleeping in your bed Alfred, I bet it’s much more comfy then your desk.”

 

Alfred groaned again, mumbling something on the lines of “make me” and this time grabbed Ernest’s arm and tried to push it away.

 

Ernest sighed, “Come on.”

 

Ernest managed to grab Alfred and hoist him up out of his chair, making Alfred flutter his eyes open.

 

“Oi! What are you-u doing?!” Alfred mumbled as Ernest basically drags him over to his bed.

 

“Had too many drinks tonight I see?” Ernest said as Alfred flops onto his bed.

Ernest watches as Alfred slowly rolls over in his bed while mumbling nonsense.

 

“I’ll tell the queen you’re indisposed, she was looking forward to dancing with you but uh...” Ernest smiled and sighed.

 

“-.. since you’re occupied, I’ll tell her you’re done for the night.”

 

Ernest patted Alfred’s back as he started to snore once again. He didn’t know whether to be impressed or jealous that someone obviously had a better time than he had.

 

Ernest left Alfred’s room chuckling, that would definitely be an experience he would tell him later.


	8. The Brown Eyes Up Above

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drummond has a conversation with an angel about Alfred and he is told some information that he's not sure is true. Alfred is woken up by another nightmare and is hungover from the previous night. Drummond visits him and they discuss Alfred's coping mechanisms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a mention of a card game that is played in this chapter, I did a little research on Victorian card games and the one they are playing here is called All Fours! It originally is played with only 2-4 people but I made it to 6 people because it fits the scene better! I don’t go into detail on how the game is played but some of it may be wrong so please dont mind it! <3

Drummond was sat down on the ground of a place in the sky that overlooked London. He was surrounded by a small field that faded into a mist in front of him. Drummond’s jacket, vest, and cravat were lying neatly behind him, his collar and sleeves were unbuttoned but not disheveled. His hands were fiddling with a piece of grass that he picked from beside him, another strand of fresh grass had grown back in its place.

It was odd when he first arrived at this place, one second he was on the cold ground experiencing the worst pain he’s ever felt and the next he was here. Standing alone. Painless and unharmed.

Drummond couldn’t fully remember his death, it all happened so fast he couldn’t process it all. But he could remember hearing the fading echoes of Sir Robert’s voice.

 

“ _Talk to me_   _Drummond, talk to me! Drummond!_ ”

He wanted to respond but he couldn’t. He could already feel himself lifting.

It’s odd, Drummond thought, when he was younger people would talk about death like they actually  _know_  what happens. They say how heaven is a perfect place where their soul is at rest and in peace. But It was odd because Drummond did feel calm but he wouldn’t exactly say _‘at rest’_. He felt as if something -or someone- was missing. And he was lost.

 

Drummond’s last thought before he died was Alfred. A short rush of panic whipped through his mind as he fell to the ground.  _What about Alfred?_

 

Drummond watched the city below him, looking at all of the people and carriages that filled the streets. He gazed over at the palace, the early morning sun shining upon the huge building giving it a warm look. He sighed lightly. _  
_

“I’m surprised to see you here.”

 

Drummond looked behind him and saw a younger man standing there. He’s met this man before, he appeared a short while after Drummond first arrived.

_“where am I?” Drummond asked._

_the man grinned, “the afterlife.”_

_Drummond looked at him in bewilderment._

_“what?”_

_The man smiled and walked closer to him, nodding his head toward Drummond._

_“check your pulse.”_

_Drummond put his hand up by his neck, feeling nothing._

_“I don’t have one.”_

_“Exactly.” the man replied, putting his arm around Drummond’s shoulders and walking forward._

_“Sorry but I don’t think I’m understanding..”_

_“That is normal. Any questions you have, ask away. We have plenty of time.”_

_“Am I dead?” Drummond asked._

_“Yes... I’m sorry for how you got here, but it was a brave thing you did.” the man replied. Drummond slowly nodded his head and his eyes were anxious and racing._

_“...Are you God?”_

_The young man laughed, “No I am not, but you flatter me.”_

_Drummond looked at him in a daze and then around them as they slowly kept walking, trying to process everything so he can understand._

_The man watched him, arm still laying upon his shoulder._

_“Listen... I know all of this is a bit overwhelming and it does take time to get used to everything so if you want, I can leave you to yourself for a while.”_

_Drummond didn’t respond, still thinking. The man patted his back and took his arms off of his shoulders, taking his silence as an answer to leave._

_“What’s your name?” Drummond asked as the man turned to go back._

_He looked at him and smiled, “I don’t have one.” Then he vanished_.

 

Edward perked a small smile and turned back around. The man walked to stand next to Edward as he got up from his place on the ground, the piece of grass he had in his hand fading into nothingness when he dropped it.

 

“You’re normally not up here.”

 

Edward sighed, “Well I needed somewhere to think, somewhere without distractions and this is definitely the place.” He looked around at the calm ‘field’ behind them. He  _was_  normally not up here, he only came when he had to. Edward just didn’t prefer the emptiness this place gave him, too calm for comfort. So he mostly would spend time around the palace or even by his own grave, it was the only way he could still feel alive.

The young man looked down at the city below.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked, “..is it about him?”

Edward inhaled and then nodded,

“I’m worried about him.”

“Worried?”

“Yes... he hasn’t been taking my death well at all and I don’t blame him but uhm...” Edward shakes his head with concern, “He seems to think that alcohol is the best way to cope.”

The man lifts his head, understanding the situation.

“And with the one year anniversary of my death coming up soon, I’m worried about how hard it will affect him.”

The man looked at him, “I see.”

They stood in silence for a while, Edward perked a small smile as he was thinking.

“It’s odd to think that. It’s already been a year yet it feels like I’ve only just arrived.”

The man chuckled, “Time is weird up here Edward... It feels like I’ve only been here a short while as well yet supposedly I’ve been here for centuries.”

Edward looked at the man, who was still looking down at the city below, and furrowed his brows in curiosity but turned away before asking any questions.

“Was this man a close friend of yours?” the man asked him, it was his turn to look with curiosity.

Edward looked at him and hesitated, was there a name for what he and Alfred had?

He thought back to a book they both read before he died. The Iliad.

 

_“You believe they were friends?”_

 

It mentioned a word that Achilles used to describe who Patroclus was to him. _  
_

Edward smiled, looking down and responded quietly, “philtatos.”  _Most Beloved._

The man raised his eyebrows and smiled back, “ah... Now I see why your soul’s attached to him.”

Edward shook his head, “I feel horrible for leaving him, and I know I can go to him whenever I want but... it is not the same. and I miss him dearly.”

 

“I understand. But everyone moves on from death at some point.”

 

“and what if he doesn’t?”

The man looked at Edward, who had his arms crossed and worry on his face.

“What if he never does. I guess I’m just afraid that he might consider doing something... terrible.”

The man didn’t answer Edward, he didn’t know how.

 

“Edward I hope you know that you won’t be able to talk to him forever.” The man said hesitantly. Edward looked at him.

“What do you mean?”

 

“I don’t know when but there will be a time where Alfred will no longer be able to see or hear you.”

 

Edward’s chest sank. How was that possible? Wouldn’t he have control over that?

“Why not?” he asked.

The man inhaled, this was always the hardest to explain.

“Your soul is connected to him. That is why he is the only one who can see or hear you... But you’re fading. You’re what people call a lost soul, Edward. And soon enough... you will fade away from the only connection you have to the living forever.”

 

Edward stared at him, mouth slightly opened and his face full of disbelief. He thought maybe the man was just bluffing. Trying to scare him from floating around Alfred all the time. Edward shifted his feet and peered back down onto London.

“I think I’ve spent enough time up here,” he said, giving the man a quick glare before grabbing his waistcoat, cravat, and jacket from the ground and walking away. The man watched Edward as he faded away into the distance and sighed. If Edward didn’t understand or believe him, he’d have to wait for it to actually happen.

 

-

 

Alfred’s head was erratic in his sleep. His mind as he slept and the addition of alcohol he had previously did not mix well, it created unwanted dreams and images.

 

Alfred and Drummond were laying together in bed, as they always do in the nights neither of them are busy. They were close and whispered their words to the other as there was no reason to speak out loud. Everything seemed perfect and they warmed each other from under the cotton sheets.

As almost every sweet dream Alfred has, they are in bed, surrounded by candles and warmth. Their clothes were long gone and Drummond’s hair wasn’t as kept neat as it usually was, showing more of its curls.

 

Alfred’s dream came in flashes. One second everything was normal, they were smiling and his hand was stroking Drummond’s cheek but in the next, he put his hand down on the bed in front of him, only for it to meet a wet sheet.  _Flash_. He looked down and found that the sheets were soaked in blood.  _Flash_. He slowly lifted his hand, it too was the dark color of crimson.  _Flash_. He looked back up at Drummond, who was now lying dead beside him. He was still facing Alfred, his gaze staring back at him. Alfred felt his stomach quarrel, he wanted to scream but no sound came out of his throat. He wanted to move but his body was frozen, left staring at his lover.

_Flash_.

His vision went back to his soaked hand.

_Flash_.

His gaze went back to Drummond.

_Flash_.

His hand.

_Flash_.

Drummond’s dark brown eyes haunted him.

Alfred could feel his mind racing back and forth.

 

 

Alfred gasped for air and shot up from his bed. He was hyperventilating and was covered in sweat. Wilhelmina sat up beside him, his sudden jolt had woken her up.

 

“Alfred-“ she put her hand lightly on his shoulder, he jumped immediately at her touch and inhaled sharply. His gaze snapped to her, his eyes racing as he processes what he had just woken up from.

Alfred could feel his stomach twist.

“I think I’m going to be sick.” he mumbled, quickly shuffling out of bed. Wilhelmina watched him in worry as he ran out of their bedroom.

Wilhelmina cringed as she heard Alfred throw up in the washroom. She knew he was hungover, and she’s spent enough nights with Alfred to know when he’s had a bad sleep.

 Alfred cupped some water from the small water basin in his hands and splashed his face. His head was throbbing and his throat was dry. He looked up at the mirror in front of him, seeing his reflection. He looked ill, his face was pale and his eyes were outlined in red. His hair was a mess and his clothes were untidy from being slept in. Alfred stared into his own eyes. Even though his were a bright crystal blue, they triggered his mind of the dark brown eyes that haunted his dream earlier that night. Alfred closed his eyes to stop the impulsive flashbacks but opened them again, as if to give in to his thoughts. He even thought he saw Drummond in the shadows behind him, but when he turned to look, there was no one there.

 

Alfred walked back into his bedroom where Wilhelmina was still sitting in bed waiting for him. She looked up and Alfred could see the intent worry on her face.

“Are you alright?” Mina asked softly, watching Alfred slowly sit on the bed next to her.

Alfred nodded, “Yes I am alright... I have to admit that I had one too many glasses last night. I’m sorry I woke you.”

Wilhelmina placed her hand on top of Alfred’s.

“There’s no need to be sorry.”

Alfred looked at her.

“I know it wasn’t just the alcohol that woke you.”

Alfred opened his mouth as if to say something but Mina interrupted.

“-and you do not need to illiterate on what happened but just know that as your wife and your friend, I am here for you. Always.”

Alfred softly nodded and peered down to his hand, which was toying with his unbuttoned sleeve.

“You’re too kind. Kinder than I deserve.” Alfred said, perking a small smile on the corner of his lips.

“Alfred, you deserve all that’s good in the world.” Mina replied.

Alfred huffed a laugh, still fiddling with his sleeve.

“I think the world disagrees.”

 

Wilhelmina sighed quietly. Today was going to be a long day. She rubbed Alfred’s arm and got out of bed.

“I’m off to have a bath. If want me to Alfred, I can tell Her Majesty you are indisposed this morning. That would give you extra time to rest.”

 

Alfred agreed, he could feel his stomach slightly groan and thought going on with his day immediately would only make him sick again. His brain needed some time to reset too.

Mina smiled at him and then went to her washroom.

Alfred sighed and looked around. He glanced on the floor by the side of his bed and saw his cravat and jacket were still on the floor from the previous night. Alfred sluggishly got up and picked them up. He hung them back up on hooks in a wardrobe on the opposite side of the room, sighing again as he closed the door. In all honesty, Alfred couldn’t remember a lot of last night after he came to his room. He remembers Drummond speaking to him at some point but doesn’t remember what he said. It was all a blur. Alfred wasn’t exactly sure how he ended up in bed either.

 

Alfred looked at himself in the body mirror beside the wardrobe. The mourning band was still tied around his arm under his sleeve but it was loose from being slept in.

He still looked exhausted, his hair was a mess and the headache hasn’t gone away.

Alfred’s dream bugged him. He furrowed his eyebrows and looked around, there had to be something he could do to help get it off his mind. He peered over to his desk and saw he had left out some paper and a pencil. Alfred paced to his desk and started to quickly sketch what he had dreamt, sitting down in the chair while doing so. He was a decent drawer, most of his brothers were good at art and they all had gotten their talent from their mother. Alfred had also drawn Edward before, a little bit when he was alive and a lot after he died. He had a picture perfect memory of that man. In the drawer of his desk, there was a tiny pile of papers, full of sketches. Some were of Edward’s face or a side profile or even a sketch from the torso up. Some were of specific features like his eyes or the curls of his hair. Other than sulking into his own thoughts, this was just a way to relieve his grief. But only he knew about them. He stuffed them in the back of the drawer, along with that letter that so magically came back to him and the locket.

Alfred did yet another sketch of Drummond’s eyes, but in the way he remembered them from his dream. He made them seem a bit more hollow and darkened the irises more than what he normally would’ve. When he was done, Alfred stared at it. He hated the emptiness he had put into them, it scared him. Alfred lightly scribbled over the small drawing and started another one, but this time making sure Drummond’s eyes looked happy and alive.

After he finished, Alfred put down his pencil and sat back into his chair. ‘ _What am I doing?_ ’ he thought. He had told Wilhelmina he would get some rest before joining her and the Queen later that day, yet he was here making useless sketches and wasting his writing utensils. Alfred got up from his chair and walked around his quiet room, opening the curtains of the window and looking out, squinting his eyes from the morning light. He looked up at the clouds, still yellow from the sunrise.

Alfred sighed,  _‘I bet the view is beautiful from up there.’_ he thought.

He glanced at the mourning band on his arm, which was now so loose it began to slip down his arm and onto his elbow. Alfred figured if he was going to go back to bed, that he should probably take it off before doing so. He could always put it back on later. Alfred walked back over to the mirror. He slipped his arm through his open collar and down his other sleeve to grab the band from his elbow. He pulled his arm back out once he grabbed it, he smoothed it out and began to gently fold it. This small band of black silk cloth became his secret companion. Always there with him. It became a form of comfort, but no one else knew he wore it.

 

“Goodmorning.”

 

Alfred looked up at the mirror. He saw only a white shadow. He quickly turned around and saw Drummond standing calmly behind him. Alfred jumped at the sight of him, his dream flashing back in his mind. Drummond tilted his head slightly to the side, his face filled with worry.

 

“Are you feeling any better?” he asked. Alfred gulped and decided to avoid direct eye contact, he nodded in response.

Drummond could feel tension, maybe even fear inside of Alfred’s mind. He furrowed his brows and glanced down to the black silk cloth that Alfred was holding. Alfred followed Drummond’s eyes down and realized what he was looking at.

“Is that a mourning band? I didn’t know you wore one for me..” Drummond said, watching Alfred gently put the band in his wardrobe.

“I wear it under my clothes.. so only I know.”

Drummond nodded.

He peered around the room, noticing the gloomy feel the dark paneled walls gave. Drummond glanced over onto Alfred's desk. Spotting the drawings still laid out, he walked up to it. Alfred was distracted by his own empty thoughts to notice Drummond's interest in his desk.

 

"I see you've been busy?" Drummond said running his fingertips across the papers, he felt nothing against his touch which made him feel oddly distant.

"Did I ever tell you that I used to keep a journal? Or a diary as some might call it." he chuckled, "My mother gifted it to me before I worked for Sir Robert... I'd write all of my thoughts into that book."

Alfred was silent, Drummond looked over at him. Alfred was leaning against the window, his eyes were tightly closed. Alfred still felt horrible from being hungover, he was trying his best to not throw up again. His ears rang and he felt his head start pounding.

"Alfred."

Drummond's voice echoed in his mind and he opened his eyes to see him standing there with him by the window.

The light from outside made Drummond's appearance look transparent but his eyes reflected a saturated brown. Alfred slightly jumped at the sight of them, he blinked and got back to his senses.

 

"Sorry, I just-.."

 

"I'm worried about you Alfred."

 

"I appreciate your concern," Alfred replied, walking past Drummond and going to his desk.

"No one else seems to care anymore," he mumbled while hastily putting the scattered papers into the opened drawer.

"I'm worried about that bottle on your desk that you refill every week." Drummond slowly walked toward Alfred.

"It's not healthy Alfred"

"and you're telling me you wouldn't have done the same?" Alfred asked. They looked at each other for a moment.

"What would you have done if it was me?"

Drummond stared at him.

"Tell me you wouldn't do the same." Alfred said softly. Drummond's thoughts were caught. As empathetic as he was, he had never put himself in Alfred's shoes that way. He wouldn't know what to do if Alfred had died when he was alive. But he still didn't want Alfred to basically poison himself every night.

"It is still not good for you. If you continue, I cannot imagine the consequences."

Alfred leaned his hands against his chair and shook his head.

"There is no other way I can cope. Without it, it is too much."

"Alfred it could kill you." Drummond said with worry.

"Then so be it." Alfred said softly, looking down at his hands.

Drummond stared at him in disbelief. Those words felt cold and desperate to him. He feared the broken thoughts in Alfred's mind but alas, he could do nothing. His eyes looked down and his mouth was slightly parted, he struggled to find something to say. Drummond stepped backwards, quietly breaking the silence.

"I think you should get some rest."

 

Right when Alfred felt that Drummond's presence was no longer there, his face fell onto his hands that were still holding onto the chair and let out a whimper. A few tears turned into full on sobs, and his inhales turned sharp.

Alfred's cries only made his head hurt more. But nothing hurt more than the pain he felt in his heart.

Alfred knew that alcohol being his biggest coping mechanism was not good but, what else does he have?

"I'm sorry." he whispered.

He feared he had disappointed Drummond. Their last conversation when he was alive, Alfred had degraded their relationship in an attempt to push himself away from Drummond to save his future. Alfred knew he broke Drummond's heart that night, he could see it in his face. Alfred hated what he was doing but he thought it was the only way to keep their relationship a secret. When Drummond stormed off, leaving him alone, Alfred didn't know what to do.

That was the last time he spoke to him.

Alfred regretted his words to this day.

Now he's afraid he's done it again. Whether Drummond soul was actually there or if he is just a figure of Alfred's imagination, he has upset him.

Alfred has tried to cut down on alcohol before but the longer he strains from it, the more he seemed to need it. He gives in too easily because he thinks he has nothing else.

 

-

 

Wilhelmina looked up from her book and at the grandfather clock on the other side of the room, it was almost lunch and Alfred still hasn't gotten up yet. The Queen, Wilhelmina, and her majesty’s other ladies in waiting were all peacefully reading novels in the piano room. Mina started to wonder if she should go and check up on Alfred. Just when she was about to close her book, Mina heard footsteps from the doorway.

 

”I hope I am not intruding?”

 

Wilhelmina and the rest of the ladies look up and see Alfred standing by the door. They all stand up and The Queen walks to him.

”Lord Alfred, so good of you to finally join us!” said The Queen, Alfred bowed and lightly kissed her hand.

”I apologize for my absence this morning ma’am, I fear I did not feel well,” Alfred said with a small smile.

 

”No need for an apology Lord Alfred, I hope you are feeling better?”

 

”Much better ma’am, thank you.”

Alfred glanced at Wilhelmina, she raised her eyebrows at him. The Queen requested if anyone would like to play a game of cards and anyone who didn’t want to was free to do whatever they please. Alfred was not in the mood to play cards but he knew it was probably best if he joins The Queen since he had been gone all morning. Alfred, Wilhelmina along with two other ladies in waiting had decided to join The Queen.

 

 

As they were about to start a game, Ernest had stopped by and asked if he could join. Once the Queen said he could join, Ernest sat himself next to Alfred and patted his shoulder. Ernest had been through many drunk nights himself to know when a man was hungover, he could see the redness and tiredness in Alfred's eyes. Ernest smiled at himself, remembering the night before when he had to help Alfred back into his bed.

 

"How are you feeling Lord Alfred?" Ernest said quietly so only Alfred could hear as The Queen started to deal out everyone's cards.

”You seem to have had a good time last night.” Ernest chuckled softly.

Alfred looked at Ernest and then back down to his hand of cards that was given to him.

”I’m not sure I understand what you’re meaning your Highness.” Alfred replied, not looking up from his cards.

"Victoria asked for your presence last night and sent me to find you, ” Ernest smirked, ”I found you passed out in your bedchambers.”

_So that’s how I woke up in my bed,_  Alfred thought.

Alfred blushed and Ernest could tell he was embarrassed.

”No need worry Lord Alfred, I’ve had many of those nights myself. I told Victoria you were simply too tired to carry on another dance.” Ernest said with a genuine smile while putting his card in the middle. Alfred nodded slowly. He felt the edge of his cards with his finger and looked up at the room around him. He saw a shadow peering around the doorway of The Queen’s office.

Alfred knew exactly who that was.

He stared at the figure with sad eyes and in his own mind, said: ”I’m sorry.”

Wilhelmina lightly kicked Alfred in the foot under the table to get his train of thought back into the world around him. Alfred looked at her in confusion and she motioned for him to lay down a card. Alfred looked at the others at the table and saw they were all patiently waiting for him to draw a card from his hand. Wilhelmina glanced to where Alfred was staring at and was confused to see that there was nothing peculiar that he could have been looking at. She looked back at him and waited for his move like the rest of the table. Alfred quickly looked at his deck and grabbed a Jack of Hearts and laid it out with everyone else’s chosen card. Everyone reacts to his card, they all had put out 7’s and 10’s and 8’s but a Jack card was higher than all of them. Alfred had won a point. They all play light-hearted jokes on Alfred’s luck and he smiles along with them.

Alfred glanced back up and saw that the shadow was no longer a shadow but had taken the appearance of Drummond. They looked at each other for a moment, the world slipping away from Alfred’s focus again. Drummond gave him a soft smile and then vanished in the blink of an eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry for not uploading sooner! So many things have been happening in the past few months that I've had no time or energy to write but I hope this chapter makes up for my absence <3


	9. I Vow To Be A Better Man Some Day.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred decides to try his best and quit his coping habit. Though it is hard, he is pushing through it.  
> For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'll be good, I'll be good, and I'll love the world, like I should. Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good. For all of the time that I never could" - I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young
> 
>  
> 
> Time has got the best of me and aghhh I haven't updated as frequently as I want to I'm sorry ! <3  
> A fair warning that this chapter is the calm before the storm so enjoy it while it lasts! ;)  
> I have the next chapter already planned out and I plan on writing and posting it by next week! (hopefully i come through with that promise)   
> I also have to apologize if this chapter is written kind of messy, as I type this I don't have enough time to PROPERLY go through and edit everything ! (Hopefully it doesn't pull away from the actual story)
> 
> I want to give a special thanks to all my gals in The Salt-mine GC as they constantly make me laugh and give me a place to properly rant over the ridiculousness of Daisy Goodwin so THANK YOU! <3 Love you all xxx

 

 

Alfred and Wilhelmina stroll through the palace garden behind The Queen and the other ladies in waiting, enjoying the cool fall air before the weather gets too cold. It was a quiet evening and for once in a long while, Alfred felt calm.

Alfred and Mina had once again decided to have coordinating outfits. Wilhelmina decided to wear a baby blue dress with white lace trim on the skirt, while Alfred -with some internal guilt, but he tried his best to ignore it- wore his light blue overcoat which had been a big difference from his now normal colors of black and other dark shades of coats -he hadn't worn the blue for what seemed like an eternity. He had it complimented with a champagne-colored vest and cravat.

The queen has complimented them on their fashion and said how she "must one day do something similar with Albert if he would agree to do so." She then started to babble on for probably the twentieth time in the past week on the Prince's stubbornness to agree on anything she brings up.

 

"Thank you for agreeing to come out with us Alfred, it is good for you to get some fresh air once in a while." Wilhelmina said, with her arm linked with his.

Alfred chuckled lightly, "I'm glad I came, I had not realized how much I have missed walking through these gardens."

Mina hummed in response, hearing trees rustle around them.

Alfred lifted his hand and brushed his fingertips against the leaves of a passing tree.

"You never realize how much you love something until you are deprived of it." Alfred said calmly.

Wilhelmina worryingly looked at Alfred as he was distracted by the leaves he was brushing, she noticed there was no sadness in Alfred's words nor in his face. Mina was so used to the melancholy expression Alfred would have, she was a bit taken back by his contentment. Maybe he for once was simply talking about the garden and not what she assumed. She kept looking at him, the soft clouded sunlight that showed through the branches laid upon Alfred's face and highlighted his features.

Alfred must've felt her stare because he looked back at her with a soft smile. Wilhelmina grinned at him, giving him a soft pat on the arm and then looked away. Alfred's smile faded slowly, he looked up at the venue around them and inhaled the fresh air.

Two weeks had passed since Ernest was kind enough to help drunk Alfred back into his bed. After a lot of thinking, Alfred decided he would try his best to not drink. He knew it would definitely be easier said than done but he also knew that continuing was not helping him. Throughout the past two weeks, he had not one glass, and he was proud of himself for it. But it hasn't been easy. There were many evenings Alfred has had to physically restrain himself from just chugging the whole bottle of whiskey in his bedroom that were followed by a few sleepless nights of him going through withdrawal. Alfred did his best to keep this under everyone's noses, including Wilhelmina's. He'd blame his dreary nights on a simple upset stomach, and his headaches on not drinking enough water -which in all fairness wasn't too far off.

Alfred has instead taken more strolls onto the balcony because there was no restriction to him and his cheroots. He's thought about actually using the tinderbox because all it does is sit and glare at him on his bedside table but he could never pull himself to take it with him.

Drummond hasn't visited Alfred since he saw him during that game of cards. Alfred worried if Drummond was actually upset over what he said to him. He thought maybe Drummond was purposely ignoring him. Or this was finally evidence that 'the spirit of Drummond" was just a figure of Alfred's imagination and the withdrawal of his habits had stopped it. Alfred didn't know but he felt lonelier without him. Even if he wasn't really there, the vision or thought that Drummond was, had always made the world seem brighter.

 

-

 

Drummond walked through the many corridors of the palace, mostly looking to see if Alfred was anywhere but sometimes it was interesting to see what everyone else was doing. He hasn't told Alfred but there were a few times he would sneak in on the conversations between The Queen and Lord Palmerston, and he cannot blame Her Majesty's hatred for that man. He was arrogant and disrespectful, his ways of speaking to Her Majesty made Drummond cringe. Sometimes he was tempted to trip Palmerston as he walked through the main corridor, but other than for his own amusement, what good would that bring?

Drummond had just come from talking to the man who accompanies him up above, he spoke to him about Alfred again and what Alfred had said to him the last time they talked. The man was concerned but he told Drummond that there was nothing neither of them could do to help.

 

_"All you can do is hope."_

_"How can I hope for the best when Alfred has no hope for himself? I cannot bare to see him like this."_

Drummond walked through a doorway and was met with the Duchess of Buccleuch and Ernest having a conversation. Drummond stopped in his tracks and froze. It was still odd seeing them knowing they can't see him.

 

"Would you happen to know where Lord Alfred is, Duchess?" Ernest asked with a warm smile, "I find he is a good partner at chess."

Drummond walked slowly toward them, listening in on their conversation.

The Duchess huffed, "I haven't the faintest idea your highness but The Queen and her other ladies are out in the palace garden, so I assume he has also accompanied them."

Ernest raised his eyebrows, "he has finally become social again?" he chuckled, "I've heard lately he hasn't been as outgoing as he used to be."

The Duchess raised her own eyebrows and gazed downwards, "Men like him hold many surprises, your highness. If he is with The Queen then he will be back by the upcoming hour."

Ernest chuckles again, "well in the meantime would you care if I would to join you to where ever you are going? I find this place quite dull without anyone to talk to."

"Only if you wish." The Duchess replied, holding onto Ernest's arm.

Drummond watched them leave behind him, The duchess slightly passing through his shoulder as they walked by.

Drummond stood there thinking. The Duke had said Alfred has become more 'social' again. More like himself. But he was only just at the lowest point he has ever seen him in so how is that possible? Then the Duchess's response, it confused him.

_"Men like him?"_ Drummond thought _, "what does she mean by that?"_

Maybe the Duchess was more aware of certain things than what he thought she was but in a way, her words sounded as if they were supposed to be insulting. Drummond frowned, clenching his jaw he figured he may have to bring it up to Alfred.

Drummond's thoughts were interrupted by the bark of a dog. He turned to look behind him and there was The Queen's little white terrier, staring back at him with it's tail wagging. It barked again and continued to playfully growl at him. Drummond slightly cocked his head to the side and crouched down. They looked at each other in curiosity and the dog barked again.

' _This is new._ ' Drummond thought. He was always told that only Alfred was able to see him, and he assumed that went for animals too.

He let out his hand slowly, "can you see me?"

The terrier crept toward Drummond's hand, sniffing with caution.

"Last time I saw you, you were a puppy." he chuckled. After coming almost an inch away from Drummond's hand, the queen's terrier recoiled and started to bark continuously. Drummond took back his hand in shock, not expecting the sudden reaction.

A young girl's voice came from the hallway, "Isla!"

Drummond could hear fast footsteps come closer.

"Isla what are you barking at?!"

Drummond stood back up steadily when a young girl came to the doorway and picked up the barking dog.

"you're supposed to bring me back your ball, silly." she said, talking to Isla and petting her head.

Drummond smiled at the girl who happened to be The Queen's eldest child, Vicky, as she peered into the room he was in.

"There's nothing in there, what on earth were you barking at?"

Drummond laughed slightly at Vicky's statement,  _'only a ghost, your highness.'_

Drummond held his hands behind his back as he watched Vicky and Isla leave and continue down the hall, Isla staring back at him until they could no longer see each other.

Drummond never realized how much can change over the course of a year, and he wishes he could've properly met The Queen's children.

 

-

 

Alfred was on his way to back to his bedchambers to grab a book Wilhelmina had forgotten on her bedside table and to take a small break from the dullness of Victoria's nonstop babble about the Prince's stubbornness. He would give his life for The Queen and he considers her a very good friend but to be with her for hours on end when she does nothing but complain about the Prince, it gave Alfred short patience.

On his way, he ran into Vicky, who was holding The Queen's little white terrier, Isla, and stopped. Vicky smiled at Alfred, she considered him a good friend in the palace and was always there to make her laugh if she needed to.

"Hello Lord Alfred!" she said brightly.

Alfred grinned back at her, "Good afternoon your highness." He bowed slightly at the young princess.

"How are you doing today?"

Vicky quirked her head to the side and shrugged, "I'm alright, maybe a bit hungry."

Alfred laughed, "and how is our friend doing?" gesturing to Isla who was squirming in Vicky's arms.

Vicky looked at her, "Unless she is seeing ghosts, I believe she is well."

"Ghosts?" Alfred said frowning.

"Yes. Earlier when I was trying to play fetch with her, I found her barking at thin air!" Vicky sighed, "Isla may be afraid of sofas now."

Alfred smiled, "Well I assure you that the palace is not haunted with spirits, your highness."

He bent closer to the Princess and whispered; "But between you and me, the closest there would be to a mean spirit is the Duchess on a bad day."

Vicky giggled and then sighed, "I should go see my mama now, she'll be looking for me.." she hesitated and her expression frowned with some confusion.

"Do you know where my mama is Lord Alfred?" she asked.

Alfred nodded and told Vicky that The Queen was back in her bedchambers possibly getting ready for the evening meal they were all having later.

When Vicky wished him a good evening and then proceeded to walk away with Isla still squirming in her hands, Alfred wondered if this "ghost" that poor little terrier was barking at was Drummond, roaming around the palace halls as he sometimes does.

 

-

 

As Alfred walks up to his bedroom door, he hears faint noises coming from inside. He leaned his ear against the door and listened.

" _why aren't you lighting?_ " he heard, followed by some sounds of matches grinding against tinder. Alfred sighed sadly, knowing exactly who it was inside.

Looks like they weren't hallucinations after all.

Alfred opened his bedroom door and found Drummond trying to light the tinderbox again. This time, unlike he did before when Alfred first put it on his bedside table, he can't seem to get it lit. His frustration faded when he heard the door open. Drummond whipped his head up and closed the tinderbox immediately.

They stare at each other for a few moments, waiting for the other to speak first. Drummond recognized Alfred's blue coat, feeling a wave of nostalgia as he remembers him wearing it the first few times they met years ago.

Alfred started to think about what he last said to Drummond, and how cold he was to him. Guilt started to rush through him and he felt it was now the perfect time to apologize.

"I need to apologize." Alfred finally says, just as Drummond opened his mouth to speak.

Drummond slowly puts the tinderbox back on the bedside table.

"For what?"

Alfred hesitates, inhaling a shaky breath.

"For everything."

Drummond furrowed his brows with confusion, "Alfred.. there is nothing you need to apologize for-"

"No, there is." Alfred interrupted, walking toward him. He was looking down, clearly trying to hold in any emotions that were about to burst.

"Over these past months I have lived with the burden of not being able to properly apologize to you for... what I said.. that night at Ciro's."

Drummond sighed, he remembers that night well but why is Alfred bringing this up  _now?_

"Alfred-"

"I did not mean at all about what I said about our relationship, I do not think it was an indiscretion-"

"Alfred it's alright"

Alfred started to anxiously gesture his hands as he spoke, "I also apologize for what i said to you the last time we.. spoke.. I-I'm sorry if I offended you, I understand you were just concerned about me."

Drummond looked at Alfred as he rambled on. Oh how he wished he could properly hold him.

Drummond remembers how he felt during their brief dinner at Ciro's, who knew an evening meal could go wrong so quickly. He felt offended, angry and heart broken, with Alfred calling him "dramatic" and the happiest moment of his life an "indiscretion". He remembered when Alfred went on about how he was to be a successful politician, reminding him of the constant reprimands from his own father. Drummond was shocked about this sudden attitude Alfred had upon the subject, immediately building a wall between them. But later that night as he replayed their conversation in his head, Drummond could notice the pain in Alfred's face when he was saying those things. He noticed how Alfred had been looking down when he talked and when he did glance up, there was guilt in his eyes.

 

_"I don't want you to jeopardize your career."_

_"Surely that is for me to decide?!"_

 

Drummond had realized and understood what Alfred was trying to say to him, and his reason for being so cold was just him trying to keep them and their relationship safe. He regrets storming off so quickly, and not coming back.

Drummond was anxious to go back and talk to Alfred after receiving his letter at Parliament, if only he and Sir Robert stayed in the building just a minute longer.

 

"Alfred I wasn't angry at you the last time we spoke. What made you think I was?"

Alfred sighs and starts to fiddle with his sleeve, "Well I haven't seen you around for the past few weeks so I thought maybe I truly made you mad and you decided to not see me anymore.."

Drummond frowns, he thought the last time he visited Alfred was only yesterday. He shrugged it off as it didn't seem like anything to worry about.

"I will admit I was upset but Alfred, I would never leave you."

Alfred chuckled coldly at the irony in Drummond's sentence.

_'_ _You already have left me darling.'_

Alfred looks around, and is instantly reminded that Wilhelmina is still waiting on him to retrieve her book. He curses at himself and starts to look for it.

Drummond sighs and watches him frantically go through the drawers by Mina's side of their bed.

"How is Wilhelmina? Is she well?" Drummond asked, feeling hopeless just standing awkwardly on the opposite side of the room.

"She is. Sympathetic as ever." Alfred replied, rummaging through another drawer.

Didn't Mina say she left this god forbidden book on her table?

Drummond glanced at Alfred's desk and walked over to it. He noticed that the bottle of whiskey he was used to seeing half-empty and open was now refilled but closed, shoved to the very back of the desk and untouched.

Drummond thought back to what Ernest said earlier, Alfred had seemed to be more like himself.

Alfred really put what he said into consideration. He was putting effort to stop his bad habits just because he thought he made him upset. Drummond smiled but it faded slightly as he knew it probably wasn't easy for Alfred to say no to it.

"and what about you?" Drummond asked, looking at a book that sat at the opposite end of Alfred's desk.

Alfred stood back up from his kneeling position and put his hands on his hips. He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead, hesitating an answer as he was still focused on trying to find this book Mina assumingely misplaced.

Drummond grabbed the book off of Alfred's desk, guessing it could be the one Alfred was looking for. The book slipped through his fingertips for a mere second, just as the duchess passed through his shoulder earlier that evening. He didn't think anything of it and walked over to Alfred to hand it to him.

"Is this what you are looking for?" Drummond asked, forgetting his previous question. Alfred did a double take at the book in Drummond's hand and then nodded.  _Of course he would find it._

Alfred grabbed the book from Drummond's hand, a sudden shiver goes down both of their spines when one of their fingertips meet. They freeze, and lock eyes with one another.

Drummond thought it was impossible for them to have physical contact, yet he felt very lightly the end of Alfred's fingertip. It wasn't much but it sent a chilling and odd feeling down both of them and neither knew what to think of it.

Alfred inhaled sharply and quickly took the book out of Drummond's grip. Even though he physically didn't feel anything, Alfred felt energy when his finger met Drummond's. He knew what happened but he couldn't understand it. His breath was cut short and his mind instantly filled with memories of him and Drummond.

 

_"With pleasure, ma'am"_

_"How well equipped you are."_

_"O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms, Alone and palely loitering?"_

_"it's a shame no one could join us."_

_"you're engaged?"_

_"Shall we?" "I don't see why not."_

_"Goodbye Alfred."_

_"You believe they were friends?"_

_"The midsummer evenings are so enchanting, don't you think?"_

_"You can't just throw that away for an indiscretion."_

_"Yours, Alfred."_

Alfred had to pull the book out of Drummond's grip to stop himself from having a mental breakdown. He glanced over at the whiskey bottle on his desk and back at the book in his hands. He was shaking.

"I-I should go. They're expecting me." Alfred stuttered, trying to act as if it didn't happen.

Drummond opened his mouth to say something but closed it. He nodded his head and then watched Alfred walk quite quickly out the bedroom.

It was the oddest thing Drummond thought, for that split moment all the energy inside of him felt alive. He furrowed his brows and looked at the gloomy room around him, the dull interior made him feel as if it were some sort of prison cell.

 

Alfred paced down the hallways, trying to calm his breathing. His mind was hooked on memories, replaying them over and over until-

His dreams. They started to play like impulsive thoughts that Alfred could not get rid of. Flashes of all of his nightmares haunted him, he closed his eyes in an attempt to get rid of them. He kept telling himself that everything was fine and he just needs to take deep breaths.

All he wanted to do was finally give Wilhelmina her beloved book -and wish to never have to hold it again- and then escape off onto the balcony.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, COMMENTS, constructive criticism, questions etc. are all welcome and appreciated! <3


	10. The Luxury of Conscience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm drowning in liquor and apathy will be the death of me" - Drowning by The Eden Project { Please listen or read the lyrics to this song as it fits this chapter EXTREMELY well! xx}
> 
>  
> 
> To Clarify! Drummond's birth date is mentioned in this chapter but I had to modify the year to match his age in the show (estimated to be 25 years old) so his ACTUAL birthday is March 30th, 1792 -which is also happens to be today so Happy Birthday Edward!-.
> 
> I have been putting this chapter off quite more than I promised just because I put all my might in trying to make it exactly how I wanted it to be and I was always worrying if it was actually good or written correctly etc. PLUS life gets in the way and the only proper time i had to write was from 8pm-1am when i'm half-asleep.   
> ANYWAY good news I have a half-chapter type thing already written and ready to post so <3 that will be up in a few days.
> 
> Also.. so sorry for the amount of angst in this, it completely broke my heart while writing it but it's needed for where I am going with the story!

Alfred found himself sitting at Ciro's. Across his table was Drummond, glaring coldly at him. Their surroundings were in a weird blur, everything moving in slow motion. Alfred looked around, something seemed off but he couldn't quite tell what it was.

"how could you?" Drummond said. His voice echoed and it drew Alfred's attention back to him.

"how could you do this to me?" Drummond's face slowly became crestfallen. He leaned back in his chair and shook his head at Alfred.

Alfred stared at him, trying to catch up on what Drummond was talking about. He watched tears start to fill his lover's eyes, threatening to fall onto his cheeks.

"I don't understand." Alfred said.

Drummond immediately slammed his hands on the table and leaned forward, causing silverware to clatter.

"You betrayed me." he said, the glare in his eyes burned Alfred's soul.

' _this doesn't seem right_.' Alfred thought.

He studied Drummond's face for a moment, his cold and heart broken expression made Alfred realize something. He looked at their distorted surroundings.

"This is a dream." he whispered. Alfred didn't really know how he knew but he was. He was dreaming.

"Alfred, you took my feelings and set them ablaze like they were nothing!" Drummond cried, leaning back in disbelief.

Alfred looked down, "I was only trying to protect you."

"and how did that turn out?"

A chill went down Alfred's spine, he snapped his eyes back at Drummond, "Pardon me?"

' _How do you wake yourself up?_ ' Alfred wondered, he needed to leave before this went too far.

"I'm dead because of you." Drummond's voice echoed again. Alfred closed his eyes and exhaled sharply.

"I had nothing to do with your death."

"First you break my heart and don't even try to run after me to apologize and then you let this happen?" Drummond said, his words faded to a whisper as he spoke.

Alfred could feel himself shaking, he kept his eyes closed to avoid eye contact but Drummond's voice was painful enough to break him down.

"Alfred look at me."

Alfred shook his head, "do not do this to me." he whispered.

"Alfred."

Alfred wanted to leave, he wanted to get up from his seat and run away but he couldn't. He couldn't get up from his chair nor could he find a way to wake himself up. His mind kept wanting to torment him.

"You're trying your best to make it up to me. You stopped drinking and started to go out more but.." Drummond laughed coldly, "It will never be enough, will it?"

Alfred clenched his jaw. He kept reminding himself this wasn't real.

"Nothing will ever be because nothing can bring me back, isn't that right?"

"That is enough." Alfred said, squeezing his hands into fists and his nails digging into his palms.

"Alfred."

"This isn't fair." Alfred whispered.

"Isn't fair?! Alfred look at me!" Drummond cried. Alfred finally opened his eyes and saw the disappointed look on Drummond's face. They glare at each other for a few moments, a tear falls down Alfred's cheek.

"Why didn't you go after me, Alfred?"

Alfred hesitated, inhaling a shaky breath. He in all honesty didn't know. The thought to go after Drummond when he stormed out of Ciro's never crossed his mind.

"I don't know." he said, blinking his eyes downwards at his hand that was fiddling with his silverware.

"You let me die."

"No, I didn't. Please can you stop saying that." Alfred was desperate to wake up. All this was was his own guilt manifesting into the one thing he cared about most.

Drummond leaned forward again, "you know you did."

"Stop this."

"Don't deny it, Alfred."

"He wouldn't do this to me." Alfred whispered. Tear streams had found their way down Alfred's cheeks. Maybe if he stabbed himself with a fork hard enough it could wake him up but he couldn't find the mental strength to do it. It was like a block, he couldnt move his arms from where they were. He looked at the silverware and then back at Drummond, who's expression was cross. The candlelight laid upon his face, Alfred couldn't help but think he looked gorgeous.

_Tragically beautiful_.

"I think I'd know exactly what I'd do." Drummond said, his eyes never once left Alfred's face.

"I don't see how you could. You may have his eyes but you are  _not_ him." Alfred replied, "You are just a manifestation of my darkest thoughts, wrapped in a beautiful box."

Drummond just glared at him. Alfred looked around at their surroundings again, the restaurant was now empty except for them.

"This is a dream." Alfred stated sniffling, "like many others i've had.." he shakes his head.

"You have destroyed me." continued Alfred, a spark set off behind his eyes and he stared back at Drummond. This was the first time he faced his own mind and thoughts while being aware of it, he started thinking and even though it took the image of Edward Drummond, he couldn't help but become filled with hatred.

"I hate you." his voice cracks as he speaks.

The manifestation of Drummond stands up abruptly, grabbing his glass of champagne. Frustration and anger filled his expression. Alfred watches him breathe heavily, those two brown eyes glare at him once more.

"Then wake up." Drummond says and then throws the glass of champagne at Alfred.

 

Alfred woke up in a jolt. He was breathing heavy and he found his hands clenched to his bed covers. He sat up and looked around, Wilhelmina was sleeping soundly beside him.

The early morning light shown through their window, making everything seem grey. Alfred blinked and shook his head to help straighten out his thoughts.

The warm hues of the sun were blocked by clouds, a metaphor for the day to come.

Alfred put his hand up to his cheek, he felt the wetness of a fallen tear. He had been crying in his sleep.

Alfred felt an uneasy tension, like a pair of scolding eyes staring him down. His attention from his wet cheek pulled to that bottle of whiskey in the very back of his desk.  _Don't lead into the temptation_.  _  
_

Alfred closed his eyes and laid back into his bed. He wondered how long he could deal with all of this, he could feel himself crumble.

 

-

 

Alfred stood gazing out the window as Wilhelmina, The Queen and Alfred's close friend, Emma Portman sat together. Wilhelmina and Emma were reading novels and the Queen was doing a sketch of Isla, who was laying on the floor, in her journal.

Wilhelmina kept peaking up at Alfred, he had been quiet all morning. She felt paranoid of something. As the day went on, the feeling tugged at her like something was off. Everyone in the palace seemed to agree with her, other than the cloudy weather, things just seemed out of place. The town outside was quiet, there were no meetings or special dinners going on, parliament wasn't doing any discussions or debates, nothing.

Alfred stood there staring outside, lost in his own little world. Mina wondered what was going on in that beautiful mind of his, his face seems calm but she could see the tiredness in his eyes. Wilhelmina softly sighs and returned to her book.

The only noise to be heard in the room was the scribbling of The Queen's pencil, but it stopped when she looked up at Alfred.

"May I ask what you are gazing at Lord Alfred?" she asked kindly, the scribbling of her pencil started again as she looked back down at her journal. "Surely nothing outside is interesting enough to be loitering by the window is there?"

Alfred perked a smile and looked at Victoria, peering back out the window he tilted his head.

"Indeed not ma'am, but I find the quietness of the city quite calming."

Alfred's cornered smile faded to a frown, he wasn't sure if calm was the word. But he definitely couldn't tell The Queen that his thoughts matched the gloomy and empty weather. He thought that maybe if he stared long enough he would see Edward walking the streets somewhere, but he knew that wasn't going to happen.

 

The silence was interrupted by Vicky bursting through the door. Everyone turn to her direction in a heartbeat, Alfred slightly bowing as Vicky looked around the room.

"What is it, darling?" Victoria asked her, Vicky walked up behind her to see her sketch of Isla.

"Nothing in particular mama, I've just finished my studies and wanted to see what you were doing."

Victoria laughed slightly, "Well then there was no reason for you to burst into the room like you did."

Alfred gives Wilhelmina a look and walks over to the tea tray on the table beside her. He hands her a cup and takes the remaining one for himself.

"I wish I was as good at drawing as you Mama, is that Isla?" Vicky asked, watching Victoria put the last few details on her sketch.

"Yes and I'm sure with some practice you will be a magnificent artist." Victoria and her daughter smiled at one another.

Growing bored of the event, Alfred walks back over to his spot at the window with his tea in hand.

"There. I believe this turned out quite nice, don't you think?" Victoria asked, showing the ladies in the room her finished drawing. They both agree and compliment Her Majesty's art skills on getting details.

"What about you Lord Alfred? I've heard the Pagets all have a secret talent in the arts."

Alfred turned and pulled a smile. He chuckled, "I'm sure my father would disagree with you ma'am as he can draw nothing more than a circle, but I will always find your art magnificent."

Victoria smiled, "Thank you, Lord Alfred. You are too kind." She glanced down at her drawing again and sighed. "All I need now is the date of today for my signature."

Alfred turned back to his view out the window, taking a sip from his tea.

"Have you forgotten Mama?" Vicky asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Yes, I'm afraid I have. Too many things have flooded my mind that I'm losing track of the days. I blame half of it on Lord Palmerston."

Emma and Wilhelmina smile at Her Majesty.

"It's the 15th of October, Mama. I remembered from my studies earlier." Vicky replied, lifting her chin up as if she was proud to boast about her memorization skills.

Alfred's eyes became locked onto something outside. He had completely zoned out after Vicky had mentioned the date. It sounded familiar, and had a dull ring to his ears. He tried to think what was connected to the day.

_'Loved one's birthday? No._

_A Holiday? No._

_Something with my childhood? No.'_

Then it hit him. His hand, mid way to lifting his tea cup to his lips, froze and his heart dropped. Alfred's expression contorted, his stomach becoming nauseous.

 

"Thank you darling." Victoria said with a smile. The sweet moment between The Queen and her daughter was disrupted by the sudden clammer of Alfred, almost dropping his tea onto the tray with shaky hands. Everyone looked at him, watching him adjust the tray.

"Sorry Ma'am, if you may excuse me." Alfred muttered, bowing rather hastily and then pacing out the door. Wilhelmina and Emma worryingly glanced at each other, one of them ought to go after him but if they did, it would create a big enough scene that Victoria would want to know what's going on.

Victoria and Vicky frowned with confusion at Alfred's out-of-the-blue walk out but soon didn't think much of it. Wilhelmina anxiously finished the rest of her tea in one sip.

 

Alfred paced down the hallways as quick as possible, not even acknowledging the people he passed. His breaths turned into hyperventilation, and the tears that had built up in his eyes were past his control of holding them in. His chest felt the heaviest it has ever felt since the Duchess had handed him that letter. Exactly one year ago.

He could feel himself crashing and if he didn't get to his bed chambers soon, he was on the verge of just falling to his knees right there in the corridor.

 

He burst open his door and slammed it immediately by leaning against it. Alfred closed his eyes and slid down the door and onto the floor, closing in on himself and crying.

He felt a small sense of deja vu, the moments after the Duchess had given him that letter were similar to this.

Alfred was confused when the Duchess handed him a folded letter, telling him that 'he will find this hard to bare'. He began to read it and as he read those words, his entire world crumbled into dust. Alfred kept rereading the first couple of sentences, over and over again to see if he misread it. It didn't seem real. The pain he felt in his chest at that moment was ineffable and unbearable, he could barely hold onto the paper. How could this happen? How could this happen so quickly? and he never got to say goodbye. That night Alfred sobbed without end, drinking the entire bottle of whiskey in the matter of minutes. He craved comfort but his only source of comfort was gone.

He had never in his entire life felt so broken, alone, and guilty. Alfred was never able to apologize to Drummond before he died and he hated himself for it. The alcohol helped him convince himself that it was his fault Drummond was dead even if he was killed by a gunman. He never told anyone but the night he sat there waiting for Drummond to show up at Ciro's, Alfred randomly had a thought of panic. A vivid thought flew through his mind that something awful had happened and it was why he was sitting alone but it went out of his thoughts as quick as it came to him.

He felt as if he cursed him, that karma got the best of both of them and ended up killing Drummond.

Alfred didn't know what to do but sob. He paced around his room, books were thrown and papers were torn. He wanted to scream, scream so loud that the whole town of London could hear but he knew he couldn't. Because other people would hear. So he let out silent screams, with his hand over his mouth and tears drenching his cheeks. He eventually cried himself to sleep and that following morning the sobs returned. It continued for days.

Drummond's funeral was a living hell. He was forced to carry his lover's casket, letting him subconsciously know that inside that black box was Drummond himself, and then to lower him 6 feet into the ground. Alfred felt physically sick, that night he cleaned his hands so many times he lost count, wanting the weight of Drummond's casket to leave his skin.

Who knew someone's life could turn so quickly. One minute he watched Drummond look back at him as they rode horses with Prince Albert and Sir Robert, and the next he was approximately 2 inches away from him with only the wood of a coffin between them. Alfred thought it was unreal and vile. How could something so awful happen to someone so undeserving of it? For weeks Alfred wished it was some long horrible nightmare and he'd wake up and Drummond would be walking down that long corridor in the palace next to Sir Robert.

Over time Alfred had learned to numb his emotions, to pull back on his courtier mask and act as if Drummond had never existed and go on with his life as normal as he could handle. He'd learned to hold back his tears and to not even cry in-front of Wilhelmina, he was growing tired of her pat-on-the-back sympathy. How could she claim to understand his pain when she has never gone through anything like he has? He appreciated her support but it did not help as he originally thought it did. Alfred had grown to keeping his grief to himself, his cheroots and his whiskey.

Today had caught his feelings in a corner. All the emotions he kept inside of him in a bottle had finally burst, as today has been a date he had been dreading.

 

Alfred laid his head back against the door and let more tears roll down his cheekbones. His breathing was still sharp and his nose became stuffed from his sobs. He looked around his dark, empty room until his eyes met his desk. His mind immediately went to the whiskey. He held his breath and thought rapidly. Alfred's subconsciousness told him it wouldn't help but the rest of him didn't care. He shot up from his place on the floor, took off his coat immediately and flung it to the side not really caring where it went and paced over to his desk.

Flashes from his previous dream came into his mind as he grabbed the bottle of whiskey and quickly pour himself a full glass.

_'It will never be enough, will it?_ '

Alfred swallows the glass in full and pours himself another, the sharp and familiar taste of alcohol welcomes itself back into his system.

' _I'm dead because of you_.'

Sobs began again after Alfred swigs his second glass in one go, pouring himself yet another and slumping down into his desk chair.

 

-

 

Drummond sat leaning against his own gravestone, listening to the wind that blew through the trees around him. His eyes were closed, lost in his own drifted thoughts. In his hand was a flower petal, picked from the flowers that laid beside him, placed by his mother who had visited only an hour ago. The petal fiddled between his fingers, Drummond tried his best to focus on the soft feeling of the petal but in the end could not feel it. Little things like that have become more common, he no longer could feel the grass or the bark on trees, and certain things fell straight through his hands when he tried to pick them up.

He watched his mother visit his grave, he hadn't seen her in a long while. Even before he died, the last time Drummond visited his mother was over a year in time. Her hair was more grey than what he remembered, and dark circles under her eyes were very prominent. Drummond felt guilty for not visiting her as much as he should have, he felt bad leaving her with his father knowing he would not be there to comfort her.

His mother didn't stay for very long, she walked up and placed the flowers down, shed a few silent tears and simply left. Drummond believes she was in a rush, as if she wasn't suppose to be there. She probably snuck a visit out without telling his father, knowing he would deny her to do so if she asked. Drummond admired his father's ambition and strived to make him proud but he was always strict with his mother and went with the "time goes on" motto. He'd rather move on and act as if he never had a son than to mourn and accept his son's death.

Drummond sighs and lets the petal fall through his fingertips, it wilts instantly after leaving his grip. He looked down at the stone words he leaned against, reading his date of birth and then the date of his death.

' _happy one year._ ' he humored with himself.

He felt weird, and empty. Drummond felt as if he was trapped in some sort of limbo between life and death, not able to find any complete peace. It almost drove him mad at times, if that was even possible for him. All he could do was roam around, watch the world go on and see the ones he loved the most suffer without having the option to properly help them. Sometimes Drummond just wanted to scream, he just wanted to go back to his life or go forward all the way, just something other than this.

Drummond lifted his arm from its place on top of his knee and adjusted his position, an odd and alarming feeling rose inside him, disturbing his thoughts. Something was wrong.

 

"Edward," an echoed voice called to him. Drummond jumped slightly and looked up toward the sky, that man he befriended was trying to speak to him.

"Edward, I have a feeling you may want to pay Alfred a visit."

Drummond got up from his spot on the ground and his face turned with concern, "Is there something wrong with him? Has something happened?" he asked.

"I cannot tell but I fear it may be urgent." The man responded.

Drummond nodded, he took one last look at his stone and off he went.

_'March 30th, 1821 - October 15th, 1846'_

 

-

 

Drummond frantically searched throughout the palace, everyone was acting normal so nothing frantic has happened but Alfred was no where to be seen. Has no one even bothered to look for him or see if he's alright?

Drummond went to Alfred's bedchambers and was immediately taken back by the scene he was met with.

Alfred's tailcoat and cravat were thrown on the floor, papers along with drawings and letters were sprawled across Alfred's desk and the floor around it, a cheroot laid burning by the candle lamp, a couple books seemed to have been tossed in front of the door and the curtains of the window were haphazardly tied back letting the remaining light of the sunset seep onto Alfred's bed - which was also disarrayed. Upon the side of the bed sat Alfred, with his back towards Drummond and faced toward the window, leaning against the bedpost. Laying beside him sat the whiskey bottle, nearly swallows from being empty.

Drummond's mouth hung slightly open, he began to shake his head.

"Alfred.." he mumbled in shock.

Alfred let out a long shaky sigh, "Oh, look who it is." he said tiredly without even turning back to look at Drummond, "have you come with your angel friends to save me?"

Drummond looked at him confused, "What?"

Alfred sniffed as he kept his glance to the view outside his window, "Can I ask them if they can bring you back to me?"

Drummond's face sorrowed, staring at the back of Alfred's silhouette. He realized Alfred was drunk, which explained his nonsense.

"Alfred, look at me please."

Alfred closed his eyes, making a tear fall down his cheek, and leaned his face in toward the bedpost. Drummond stepped closer to the bed, looking around at the mess upon him.

Alfred gave in and lifted his head off the bedpost to turn back and look at Drummond. Alfred's eyes were red and clear tracks from previous cries were still visible on his cheeks. The sight of him broke Drummond's heart, he thought Alfred was starting to feel better.

They both stare at each other, neither knowing what to say, engulfed in the other's melancholy. Alfred softly shook his head, more tears began to fill his eyes.

"I can't do this." he whispered.

Drummond bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to have tears of his own.

"I am sorry you have to." he replied.

Alfred stood up, grabbing the whiskey bottle and swallowing the last few drops that were left in it, then tossed it back onto the bed.

"I tried my best to stop my habits and to keep my head held high." he said, taking a few steps closer to the window. The sunset was now a mixture of reds and blues, in some areas they blended to a dark lavender, two saturated colors hues harmonizing into one single image.

"I find I was doing alright, but-" Alfred huffed a laugh, "-It is agonising, this world." he said. His face softened, "Before I met you, I was unsure of who I was. Of course I was honored to have my position in Her Majesty's court and was proud of where I was but.."

Drummond watched Alfred from afar, listening to him ramble with his heart breaking more at every word.

Alfred toyed with his sleeve, staring out at the low purple of the skies, "- I felt as something was missing." his lips formed a weak smile, "Then you sauntered into my life and right away I knew.."

Alfred laughed slightly, looking down at his arm. A few tears escaped his eyes, leaving marks on his sleeve.

"To me, you became everything, Everything that I was missing." he continued, looking back up. "The spark that lights the tinderbox." he whispers.

Alfred's face suddenly hardens, "and now that light has disappeared. What reason do I have left to wake up every morning?"

Drummond took a step forward, "Alfred-"

Alfred turns around and looks at him, "Do you know what I have to suffer through every second of my day?"

Drummond stops his steps, a bit taken back by Alfred's interruption.

"Do you know how often I have to cut the ribbons of my own emotions for the sake of other people?"

Drummond's lips hung slightly parted, he could feel coldness maybe even hatred rising in Alfred. Not toward him but perhaps the world as a whole.

"I can only imagine.." Drummond said shaking his head, "Alfred believe me when I say I would do anything,  _anything_ , to change what happened and to stop your suffering."

Alfred laughed coldly, "Alas you cannot." he walks over to his desk and lays his hands on the back of his chair, leaning on it for support. "No one can change it... No one can bring you back."

Alfred closes his eyes, he wanted to scream. His frustration builds as his mind starts to race.

Drummond wasn't sure what to say. It pained him so much to see Alfred like this, but there was not much he could do. He glanced at the papers that were thrown everywhere on Alfred's desk, noticing that Alfred was too, looking at them. Drummond could only see blurred images of sketches and words from his place in the middle of the room, but he could see that some of the papers were crinkled or torn or even burnt.

"Alfred you cannot keep hurting yourself like this." Drummond said gently, "None of this is helping you."

Alfred exhaled sharply, "I have tried everything else, there are only so many things I can turn to."

"You seemed to have been feeling better I thought... You cannot let this day burden you Alfred."

"I know." Alfred sniffed, "but it is  _so_  hard."

"It is.. but I care about you too much to let you do this to yourself."

Alfred lent against the back of his chair and began tapping his finger against it out of frustration.

"I don't want this, Alfred." continued Drummond, "I know it is agony, and it will take time but you need to try because I cannot bare to see you suffer."

Alfred kept his eyes closed, half-processing the words Drummond was saying. He began to feel aggravated, and rushed. He knew Drummond meant well and he was only trying to fix things but it didn't sound right. Maybe it was the insomnia or the alcohol but it seemed to him that Drummond thought all he need to do was take a deep breath and walk forward when it was so much more that. Again, Alfred knew he was only trying his best but he did not seem to understand everything, because if it was ever so easy, to be able to mention or hear Drummond's name without feeling his soul empty out and instead smile and be able to remember him as a memory he can cherish without pain, he would not be here with his eyes red of tears and his heart shattered to pieces.

"I understand that-"

"No, Edward, I don't think you do understand." Alfred said abruptly. Drummond blinked and stared at Alfred, never has he called him by his first name. He was also quite baffled at Alfred's change of tone, he hadn't heard him speak this stern since Ciro's.

"I-I'm sorry?" he said.

"I can't possibly think you do understand when you don't have to suffer through it every day."

Edward stood for a moment aghast. He huffed a laugh in misbelief, "Alfred, I am no longer alive!"

"Yes, I know that far too well already!" Alfred snapped, slapping his hand on the brim of his chair and letting go of his grip on it. He looked at Edward sternly who looked back at him with concern.

"Every morning when I wake up I am immediately reminded of your absence." Alfred started, he was beginning to tear up again, his head began to race faster than he could think clearly. This was his only chance to scream out his mind to someone who will actually listen.

"Do you know what it is like to fall asleep and hope you don't ever wake up?"

Edward stepped forward, "Alfred!-"

He lifted his shaky hand to stop Edward's tracks, "No," he shook his head, "Do not."

Alfred tried to dry his soaked cheeks with his sleeve but it was no use.

"Some nights I hope I do not even fall asleep in fear in what I'll dream. I can never seem to escape it, my mind conjures up all of my darkest thoughts into one and throws it back into my face to remember when I wake up the following morning.

Then when I go off, put on whatever I am ordered to put on in respect of Her Majesty's reputation, pushed to the back of all social events, expected to listen to all of the gossip there is to tell, and putting on a constant facade for the sake of others, I am forced to act as if I didn't just imagine the most awful,  _awful_  things the previous night." Alfred inhales sharply to catch his breath, he motions his hand at Edward,

"Then there is you. Coming to me at the most convenient times, I still don't understand how I am talking to you because you're not really here!" Alfred cried running a hand through his hair, "I have become face to face with the conclusion that I have gone mad!"

Edward shook his head and followed Alfred from a distance as he circled around the room, "Alfred you are not insane."

"How would you know?! Everywhere I go all I see is you. Everything reminds me of you. From the moment I wake up to even beyond my slumber my thoughts are invaded by you! I cannot bare it Edward, I can't!" Alfred sobbed, "You haunt me days on end."

Edward had tears of his own falling down his cheeks, "Alfred-" he stutters, stepping closer to Alfred who was looking down at his shaking hands and letting out sobs, "it is hell to see you like this, if it pains you so much to see me then I will leave, and I will allow you to properly move on-"

Alfred looked up at Edward immediately, already shaking his head frantically. "No, no please I beg you, I do not want to let you go."

He stared at Edward through his tear-glazed eyes and took in his image, lifting a hand and hovering it lightly over his chest before remembering that no, he wasn't really there. Alfred face crumbles, dropping his hand back down to his side. Edward watches him, fighting the instinct to take his hand and hold it tight.

"I love you so much." Alfred whispered shakily, "and I never had the chance to tell you."

Edward looked at him, processing what Alfred had just admitted. He could never find a word to say to Alfred to express how he felt because he wasn't sure if what he felt could be considered as love. But he realized there is nothing else that could possibly begin to explain his feelings other that to say love.

Edward nodded softly, biting his lip in a failed attempt to hold back a few escaping tears, "I loved you too."

Alfred nods, sinking down onto the end of his bed and inhaling short shaky breaths.

Edward slowly walks over to Alfred as he weeps, with his face now in his hands.

He couldn't stand not being able to comfort Alfred any longer, no matter what it could cause to happen he could not hold back. Edward slowly put his hand on the top of Alfred's head as he cries, exhaling sharply at the faint feeling of Alfred's hair. He leaned down and kissed the top of Alfred's head lightly, then letting his lips lay there as he closed his eyes.

' _I am so sorry my love.'_ he thought _._

 

Alfred felt a light delicate touch on the top of his head as he grieved, his cries softened as he felt himself grow more tired than before. Edward's kiss allowed memories to flow through his mind.

Oh that beautiful, unforgetful evening in Scotland. Alfred flowed through the memories, letting his cries to calm and breathing to slow.

Alfred lips formed a small smile as he let out a giggle caused from his thoughts. He looked up and his smile faded. There was no one with him.

He looked around at his marred room and sighed, he felt too exhausted -both mentally and physically- to clean everything. Alfred sniffed and leaned back onto his bed, he fell asleep instantly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are all appreciated xx


	11. If You Love Him, Let Him Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alfred has another dream, his subconscious is telling him he needs to finally start picking up the pieces. It's for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "We fall apart as it gets dark  
> I'm in your arms in central park  
> There's nothing you could do or say  
> I can’t escape the way, I love you  
> I don’t want to, but I love you" - I Love You by Billie Eilish
> 
> This isn't a full chapter but rather I guess a preface for chapter 12? IDK what to call it but it's a short little chapter that follows up from where the last chapter left off, in Alfred's sleeping mind.  
> After this I am sad to say there won't be much of Alfred and Edward interacting with each other until laterrr on :( So cherish this sweet little thing well! <3

The rays of the morning sun shown through the window, giving the white-walled room a heavenly feel. It shined down onto the bed and onto the white sheets that loosely covered the two intertwined bodies of Alfred and Edward.  
The sounds of leaves lightly blowing outside filled the silence in the room, nothing in the universe could've disturbed them.  
Alfred laid on Edward, with Edward's hand upon his back, enclosing each others protection. Edward's eyes were closed, enjoying the peace of the moment while Alfred watch his own finger go around in circles on Edward's chest.  
Neither had any worries in the world, it was only them and the cotton white sheets.  
Alfred became overwhelmed with sadness and he wasn't sure why. As he lay there, listening to the soft breathing of Edward's lungs and feeling his skin under his fingertip, his heart sank into his own chest. He felt a longing he didn't understand, like his subconscious was weeping. Grieving even.  
Edward looked down at Alfred, "Why are you crying, my love?"  
He didn't realize he was crying, but Edward's words made his heart even heavier. He sighed and laid his arm across Edward's torso tightly.  
"I just do not want this to end."  
Edward stroked Alfred's back and smiled sadly, "You know that is not possible."  
Alfred hesitated, looking out the window, outside he could only see the green of tree leaves. The rest was a white glow.  
"Why not, Edward? Why can't I just stay here with you?.. Stay laying right here, how we are right now, for eternity." Alfred asked, the sadness he felt was puzzling but it made him never want to let Edward go.  
Edward held his breath for a moment, "Alfred look at me."  
Alfred lifted and turned his head to face Edward. Edward's expression seemed to be covered with a similar sadness of his own. He stared at Alfred, taking the back of his finger and tracing it down the side of Alfred's cheek and sighed, "You are going to have to leave at some point, Alfred."  
Alfred shook his head, "No. I can hardly bare a minute without you, I miss you so much when I cannot see you."  
"and I you," Edward responded, "but you cannot stay here."  
"Why not? Edward I love you." Alfred looked at him overwhelmed with emotion.  
Edward smiled a melancholy smile and cupped Alfred's cheek.  
"Alfred I need you to listen to me." he said, scanning Alfred's face and inhaling slowly, "I love you more than you can imagine but you need to move on."  
Alfred furrowed his brows, "What?"  
"Alfred you need to let me go."  
Alfred cupped over Edward's hand that covered his cheek, he shook his head as he struggled to speak.  
"But- no- Edward I-"  
"Alfred." Edward raised his eyebrows and looked at Alfred sternly to get his attention, "I promise you, I will always be with you. and It will be hard, I know it will but you will feel better afterward. I need you to do this for me."  
Alfred looked at him, lips parted and tears forming in his eyes as Edward spoke.  
"Alfred do you understand?" he asked and yes, Alfred did understand. At least his weeping subconscious did. His chest began to physically hurt, a pain so sharp not even a knife to the heart could compare. But to be fair what was the difference between the two?  
Being given something so beautiful and so loving to then have if swiped away from your soul is no different than a stabbed heart. Being constantly haunted by that beautiful thing afterward and being reminded of what you've lost for eternity is no different then taking the knife out and letting your heart bleed to nothing.  
Alfred nodded slowly, blinking tears down his cheeks as he tilts his head further into Edward's hand.  
"You need to let me go." Edward whispers, wiping away one of Alfred's tears with his thumb.  
Edward softly smiled, "I'll wait for you."  
Alfred closed his eyes and smiled sadly, holding Edward's hand in place on his cheek.   
"Wake up my love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos give me lifeeee xx


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